This post will tell you the story of Rocky. All members of the Church of Rocky believe this and follow the message it teaches.Origins I, Verse I
In the beginning, there was nothing.
An empty black void, only one thing was there with the void. A grand rock. A rock beyond comprehension in size. This rock, was Rocky. After a while Rocky grew bored, while he appreciated order, he found things were too calm. So he broke many, many chunks of himself off to from all the planets. So it was, the universe was born.Origins I, Verse II
Rocky, seeing the universe he created, decided to populate it. He scattered life all across the universe. Men, Women, Plants, Animals, and smelly aliens were placed all around the planets he created. So it was, live was born.Origins I, Verse III
One day, man prayed to Rocky. They said "yo nigga, shit's dark. We need light up in this bitch
". For at the time, many men couldn't see that they were white and just assumed they were black. That is when Rocky created sister Abigail. She was a being of pure fiery rage. Rocky created her to ignite the stars and bring light to the universe.
Origins, Verse IV
Rocky was lonely. While there was man, there were no godly beings whom could party as hard as him. Well, except Abigail. But she was a bitch. So it was that Rocky made 3 more divine beings. They were Arnold, the god of Health and MUSCLES, Shrek who was the god of Love and Life, and Pasha who was god of Swag, and Trickery.Origins, Verse V
Now that he had beings to party with, Rocky threw a party. It was the most ballin party ever. However, it was crashed by Abigail who showed up late and DRUNK AS FUCK ! She started drying to get Shrek's dick and when he refused she started ranting and raving. Rocky then said unto her "Abigail you're drunk you stupid cunt ! Get the fuck out !" Abigail was pissed, she left the party talking about destroying the universe, and cut Shrek's dick. Origins, Verse VI
Shrek went to Arnold pleading to have his dick fixed. Arnold said unto him "SHE CHOPPAD YOUR DICK BRUH, THERE'S NOTHING I CAN DO". So Shrek went to Pasha and asked for help. Pasha said unto him that his dick would be fixed if he went around filling young boy's with his love. Now, you may be wondering how Shrek can fill boys with his love when his dick is fucked up. Well the answer is quite simple; Shrek's dick, much like an onion, has layers.Origins, Verse VII
Shortly after Abigail's drunken fit, she did go about trying to burn down the entire universe. Rocky put a stop to this. He sealed her inside the Spar Tan Lahzor. This device made it so that Abigail is unable to strike out on her own, but can be used to ignite nonbelievers.Origins, Verse IIX
In the early days of man, Rocky looked down to see that his creation was crazy as fuck. They ran around raping, and pillaging and just acting like dildos. Rocky couldn't take it, so he came down to earth and met a man who became known as St. Pebble. The Book of JacksonJackson 1:0
Jackson was a man that inhabited the world many years ago. He was the first of St. Pebble's disciples and thus one of the first true Rockyists. It isn't recorded when he first met St. Pebble, but his records seem to start some time after meeting the prophet. (This introduction is put in by the Church of Rocky in 2017)Jackson 1:1
In our travels we came upon a town in the desert. The town was known as "BD City". The city was sick with the plague of Chaos. In the town center a dirty split-lip was addressing a crowd. Pebble pushed through the crowd and and felled the beast with one bullet. Jackson 1:2
He turned to the crowd and they were silent as he addressed them. "Elites plague our universe much as how cancer plagues the body. Rocky the creator made them to serve us and we have allowed them too much freedom. Now they must be purged." Jackson 1:3
A man in the crowd spoke to the prophet. "None of us like the Sanghili, but they have as much a right to exist as we do." An explosion then sounded in the far distance. Elites were coming down the main street towards the crowd, firing their foul inventions blindly and panic gripped the people.Jackson 1:4
It was then Pebble called upon the crowd and they settled. "Calm people, we will purge the filth." The people responded that they had only 3 handguns among them. Pebble collected the weapons, and our sidearms. He then distributed them among the crowd and every man was armed. Jackson 1:5
The elites were soon slain and not a man was lost. One man was blinded by the light of a plasma grenade that came too close to him. His wife begged Pebble to help the man. Pebble held his hands over the mans eyes and said "By the will of Rocky and with the help of Arnold, your husband can see." The man sat up and so it was he could see. Jackson 1:6
The couple, grateful for Pebble's help, took us into their home and fed us that night. They asked what he could be called. He told them he was Pebble. They asked why he had such an odd name and he stated "I, like you, am but a Pebble in this universe Rocky has created." Jackson 1:7
They asked him more about Rocky and so he enlightened them. By the time we came upon the square the next day, the crowd had tripled in size. Jackson 1:8
Pebble approached the center of the crowd. The people from the day before were speaking the word of Rocky. They announced that Pebble was the one that had performed the miracles and Pebble spoke. "There was no miracle. It was Rocky's will that those things happened." Jackson 1:9
The people in the crowd began approaching Pebble. Asking for aid in their struggles. Pebble spoke out to them. "I am but an agent of Rocky's will, as you all are. All I can do is tell you how to follow his path and you will be guided through your struggles."Jackson 1:10
So it was that Pebble spoke out Rocky's guidance as Rocky has spoken to him long ago. "Rocky has 5 tenants that we must follow to stick to the path. First, revere Rocky above all else. He sacrificed his physical form to create our universe and his sacrifice shouldn't be forgotten. Second, understand that while man has dominion over the lands and the waters and the heavens, that we must still respect them. Third, neither absolute calm or absolute chaos are good. A balance must be observed. Fourth, don't be fucking edgy. Fifth, don't talk about Fight Club."Jackson 1:11
As we left the town and trekked out into the desert, we came upon a camp of elites. They were worshiping a sword. Pebble sighed and exclaimed. "All energy is residue from Rocky's explosion. They're too stupid to even worship right." We razed the camp and took the sword to cut down heretics. Jackson 2:1
We came upon another town. It was plagued with a sickness which seemed to resurrect the dead before their bodies could become one with Rocky once more. Pebble flew into a rage and cut down a dozen with the sword we stole from the heretical beats. Jackson 2:2
After slaughtering the abominations we found people who had survived the creatures. They claimed the creatures had all become that way after being bitten by a man who had become blood brothers with a split-lip. Pebble proclaimed that a sin such as this clearly led to a punishment by Rocky. "Purple and Red blood must never mix outside the battlefield."Jackson 2:3
The bodies were burned and the word spread. On the last day before our departure I awoke to find Pebble joined with two other men. They had sold off their belongings and purchased weapons as Pebble had instructed me when I joined him. Their names were Wesson and Smith. Jackson 2:4
Pebble sat on the hill beneath the tree that the town congregated at and spoke to them. "Remember this, just as we have come from the ground Rocky created, so we must return when we reach our end. Those that linger after are cursed in the eyes of Rocky and all others that have passed." On that we departed to the next town. Addendum
The Holy Church of Rockyism will be releasing more from the Books of Jackson, Smith and Wesson at a later time when they're translated by our scribes.
Seal of the Holy Church of RockyismPrayers
This section contains Rockyist Prayers made official by the Holy Church of Rockyism. Guaranteed by our High Priests to produce the maximum effect.General Prayers"Lord Rocky, we pray for the strength to follow the path you've set out for us. Rockus Vult"
"May the path Rocky set before ____ be rich with happiness and Reward"
Last Rites"Lord Rocky, we send this body to return to your earthly form. From what we come so do we return. Lord Rocky, we also send the spirit of this soul to you. Guide him/her on his/her path. Rockus Vult."Warrior's Prayer"Lord Rocky, allow us to destroy our enemies as if we were the fires of Abigail. Allow us to deceive our enemies as if we were Pasha himself. And allow us the strength to withstand our enemies bullets as if we were Arnold. For we are agents of your will and we will execute it until we return to you. Rockus Vult.