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NILLOC
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PostSubject: Old News Articles   Tue Jun 11, 2013 11:00 pm

I will post old news articles from Gulchtopia's past, those new to Gulch may want to read these to know the history.
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PostSubject: Re: Old News Articles   Tue Jun 11, 2013 11:01 pm

Gulchtopia Express Issue Number: 1
Originally Published: 2/20/2011
Written By: Avery Boom






ISSUE #1
Article 1:

The Streets run purple!

It's a dark day for in Gulchtopia history. Earlier today, a wave of human protesters gathered outside the elite church during a religious ceremony in remembrance to the Hornsburg massacre. All that could be heard that day was the chant "Human Power!" all throughout the streets. After much harassment from the police and civilians, the elite church-goers then went on a riot killing three civilians, including two human restaurant owners. The police quickly took down the rioters. We soon after interviewed the Gulchtopian chief of police, k BOOM 00, who had this to say: "My fellow Gulchtopians. I would like to inform all upstanding citizens to be on the lookout for the Elite Shaman known as "Shortsize" and the Elite restaurant worker known as "tomschier". The shaman is known to carry an energy sword, so be careful. That is all".

Article 2:

Free Health care? How about no health care

Clinic owner and doctor "Ninja de la Noches" has recently sold the original clinic, to make way for a new elite church. Why he decided to do this and leave Gulchtopia without health care, we may never know.
We recently caught up with Ninja de la Noches who had this to say: "I started the Elite church to inspire riot's in future generations!"

Article 3:

Land for sale

Four-acre lot across the street from the bar
price - $1,000
possible buyers - Rebel Stealth

Six-acre lot next to the bar and restaurant
price - (est.) $1,500 possible buyers - None

The Island
price - 10,000
possible buyers - Doom brothers, restaurant owners, k BOOM 00

The Pillar
price - (est.) $5,000
possible buyers - none


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PostSubject: Re: Old News Articles   Tue Jun 11, 2013 11:03 pm

Gulchtopia Expres Issue Number: 2
Originally Published: 2/20/2011
Written By: Avery Boom


ISSUE #2
Article 1:

It's a Celebration!

Now some happier news today after the riots. The first Gulchtopian marriage has been finalized between GTO James and Rochelle. This is a happy occasion and all of us at the Gulchtopia Express wish them well. We met with Mayor Nilloc earlier today who had this to say: "I wish them the best of luck and I hope they have ton's of fun in the bed room."



However in darker news, three police officers and five civilians were killed earlier today by an escaped convict by the name of Destroyer, on a killing rampage. The convict had to be hunted down with the assistance of the Mayor's body guards. The convict was caught and deported from Gulchtopia.


Article 2:

Elites not working! Production in shambles!

With the new elite church, the main workforce of the city who are the elites spend all their time praying and no time working. If things continue like this the Gulchtopian economy may fall apart.


Article 3:

Police: Drunk and disorderly

Chief of police k BOOM 00, earlier today was seen in the bar purchasing a drink of high alcoholic content. When reporters attempted to interview him, he refused to comment.


Article 4:

Elites on patrol

Elites are now allowed on the police force. This is an obvious sign that racial discrimination in the workforce may soon come to an end.


Article 5:

Land for sale

Note - 1 acre=$250
4 acre lot across the street from the bar
price - $1,000 possible buyers - Rebel stealth

6 acre lot next to the bar and restaurant
price - $1,500 possible buyers - k BOOM 00(2 acres)


The Island
price - $10,000 possible buyers - Doom brothers, restaurant owners, k BOOM 00


The pillar
Price - $5,000 possible buyers - k BOOM 00


CLASSIFIEDS

Elite Church provides many cardinal services!
We provide:
-weddings
-shelter
-Elite sermons
-prayer sessions
-confession
-advise
(Payed for by Skill Killer)

Come on down to the Gulchtopian sports bar!
We have provide a variety of adult services.
We provide:
-Fresh cold alcoholic beverages
-Fresh food
-Fresh Women
-Sport Entertainment TV
-And Much more!
(Paid for by Tzepic)

[Edited on 02.20.2011 4 PM PST]


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PostSubject: Re: Old News Articles   Tue Jun 11, 2013 11:04 pm

Gulchtopia Express Issue Number: 3
Originally Published: 2/23/2011
Written By: Mayor Nilloc


ISSUE #3
Split lip Land WTF ?
The main and only news is that the island has been purchsed ! BY THE ELITES !!! The elite church has purchased the island ( or atleast most of it) The church turned it into a reservation for elites to escape persicution. The church has been moved onto the reservation. Here are some things about it.
The Good : Elites won't be in the city often.
The Bad : The elites have a place of their own to be happy
The Ugly : ALL OF THOSE UGLY-@SS SPLIT LIPS !! LOL
But some racists will hate this so there will be some problems down the road. Some seasoned veterans of BD CITY will remember when the elites moved to epics house in the hills to escape persicution and we all know how that happened. RIOTS, VIOLENCE,MURDER. So hide yo kids, hide yo wife , and hide yo husbands !
Split lip Land WTF ?
The main and only news is that the island has been purchsed ! BY THE ELITES !!! The elite church has purchased the island ( or atleast most of it) The church turned it into a reservation for elites to escape persicution. The church has been moved onto the reservation. Here are some things about it.
The Good : Elites won't be in the city often.
The Bad : The elites have a place of their own to be happy
The Ugly : ALL OF THOSE UGLY-@SS SPLIT LIPS !! LOL
But some racists will hate this so there will be some problems down the road. Some seasoned veterans of BD CITY will remember when the elites moved to epics house in the hills to escape persicution and we all know how that happened. RIOTS, VIOLENCE,MURDER. So hide yo kids, hide yo wife , and hide yo husbands !


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PostSubject: Re: Old News Articles   Tue Jun 11, 2013 11:05 pm

Gulchtopia Express Issue Number: 4
Originally Published: 2/25/2011
Written By: Mayor Nilloc


ISSUE #4
Elite Bombing
The elite church on the island was bombed today by an unknown assalant. The church quickly cought fire and burned for the rest of the game.
The elites attack
In response to the bombing the elite church leader NinjaDeLaNoches decided to retaliate with violence. Several civilians were killed.
Part 2 coming later
Now for part 2

The civilians said ENOUGH !
The civilians eventualy said that the elites need to stop. So they attacked.
This lead to an epic battle

Due to the battle the cops had to blocade the cave tunnel

Civilians soon joined to protect their home.

Realistate
The 3x2 lot next to the bar is still for sale for a total of $3,000

The lot where the elite church used to be is for sale for a total of $2,000



[Edited on 02.26.2011 8 AM PST]


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PostSubject: Re: Old News Articles   Tue Jun 11, 2013 11:06 pm

Gulchtopia Express Issue Number: 4.5
Originally Published: 2/26/2011
Written By: Avery Boom

ISSUE 4.5

Article 1:

ARBITER CATHEDRAL BUILDING BOMBED!

Earlier this week the Local Elite prophets re-located their church to the Island to avoid discrimination. The Mayor of Gulchtopia was not too happy about this. Following a joint investigation with Gulchtopia police and Mayoral staff, the police determined the new cathedral to be harboring illegal elite immigrants as well as illegal weapons. The police were not successful in proving any of the above mentioned, and Chief of Police k BOOM 00 called off the investigation. Recently however,an unknown assailant, most likely human male, successfully bombed the cathedral killing three elite church-goers. All across the canyon you could see the smoke rising from the burning building. Civilians attempted to get a closer look, but the elites misunderstood them, for a human attack, and fired upon them, killing two, GTO James, and Rochelle. The Mayor and his body guards were on-scene at the time and fired back at the elites, quickly killing three of them. This resulted in e near civil-war between the humans and elites. The Mayor's body-guards brought in heavy weapons. Through the whole fight a total of 12 elites including three elite prophets were killed in the fighting. The police then created a blockade at the tunnel to prevent civilians and elites from crossing into each others territory, and attempted to cool down the fighting. However the fighting still ensued and the elites were forced into prison. Thus ending a tragic day in Gulchtopia history. We spoke with Cardinal Bishop Ninja De La Noches who had this to say: "We hope the public sees this as a misunderstanding and the public still sees the church as a non-violent organization. I would also like to urge Mayor Nilloc and his staff to stay away from the elite reservation."

And now, a public service announcement from Chief of Police k BOOM 00: "All human Gulchtopian residents are hereby bared from setting foot on the elite reservation. All who are caught trespassing will be fined and arrested for the remainder of the day. Thank you, that is all."

Article 2:

Elite Resistance Propaganda

There are reports of elite underground resistance movements in Gulchtopia. There have been propaganda posters sprouting up all over the city. Here are two that we have found:

"A knife in the dark, A stab in the back"


[Edited on 02.26.2011 10 AM PST]


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PostSubject: Re: Old News Articles   Tue Jun 11, 2013 11:07 pm

Gulchtopia Express Issue Number: Breaking News Special Edition
Originally Published: 2/27/2011
Written By: Avery Boom

BREAKING NEWS !

Mayor Closes island! Elite church moved to the Cave

Less than a day after the border incident, the Mayor has decided to close down the entire island to anyone who would wish to enter. The Elites were forced to move their place of worship to the cave. The Governor of the State of New Jackson Gov. Logan Googlesearch, Stated that the Mayor's decision is perfect for the states new immigration policy: "This is New Jackson, and if you don't like it you c'n git out".


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PostSubject: Re: Old News Articles   Tue Jun 11, 2013 11:08 pm

Gulchtopia Express Issue Number: 5
Originally Published: 2/27/11
Written By: Avery Boom

Article 1:

New Border Laws reduce Immigration
     Elites up in Arms!


         It's been a day after the bombing of the Chapel, and the hostility still persists between the elites and the humans. The Police have created a new immigration law and erected a border between the canyon and the island. For a whole day neither elites nor humans were allowed to cross the border. The police even attempted to stop the mayor, who shot his way through the blockade. This resulted in a shoot out between the elites and the police. Humans were allowed to pass through the border the next day, but any elites carrying weapons were forced to turn back. The elites got fed up with it and attacked the border police. The fighting quickly cooled down and only one officer was injured; Chief of Police k BOOM 00, who is currently on medical leave. Two elites were killed in the fighting. One survivor of the attack was quoted as saying: "Do you see the genocide? I fought for my people because We aren't truly accepted by the general public. We have been treated as second class citizens and we have had enough!" (Translation edited for grammar)This came from an elite we may only refer to as "SAM".
Mayor Nilloc commented on the incident stating "Those Split-Lips need to stay on their [Blam!]-ing side!".
We spoke with Chief of Police k BOOM 00 about the incident: "I am sick and tired of this happening so often! Every other day the elites fight us and I get another purple heart! This needs to stop, and the only way I believe it will end is if we stop trying to segregate the humans and elites and stop racially profiling them. Otherwise this job is gonna be the death of me. All police, I here by announce that the Elites are to be treated as any other citizen".

Article 2:

Township of Dilltopia goes silent

      We haven't been hearing anything from the nearby town of Dilltopia. The people haven't been sending their merchant ships and fishing boats out to trade with Gulchtopia. No one knows why they haven't been communicating lately, but most of the locals believe they were attacked by -blam!- butt pirate ninjas. The police have decided not to investigate as Gulchtopia has no way of going there. Most people have decided to ignore the disappearance, and go on with their lives.

Article 3:

Moa's strike back

     A few hours ago, a local Moa carried out a successful assassination attempt on the Mayor's favorite hat! The Moa has been charged with high treason and is currently awaiting trial.


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PostSubject: Re: Old News Articles   Tue Jun 11, 2013 11:08 pm

Gulchtopia Express Issue Number: BREAKING NEWS AGAIN
Originally Published: 3/5/2011
Written By: Avery Boom


Intercepted Government Intel!

We have recently come across some classified intel from the government! The source of the intel wished not to be named. Apparently, there was another reason why the mayor shut down the Island. The reason why was because there was too much shoreline to protect from a zombie invasion so he had to close it off. The reason The police have quarantined people from going there is because the Island and the surrounding beach is infested with zombies! All who go there are deemed a hazard to the safety of Gulchtopia and we at the Gulchtopia Express would like to advise everyone to stay away!


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PostSubject: Re: Old News Articles   Tue Jun 11, 2013 11:09 pm

Gulchtopia Gazette Issue Number: 6
Originally Published: March 5, 2011
Written By: Avery Boom



Riot to Rebellion!

As many Gulchtopian residents remember, a few weeks ago the Elites were rioting for their rights and a civil war broke out between the Humans and elites on the island. Now, after less than two weeks of peaceful protesting, the elites began marching through the streets demanding civil rights! After the march, Arch-Prophet Ninja De La Noches, under police protection, gave a speech at the church to the people of Gulchtopia. After the speech was over, the Mayor through a plasma grenade and killed Arch-Prophet Ninja De La Noches, and Under-Prophet Ebon Blade Knight. Afterword the police attempted to arrest him, but he resisted and killed two officers. Chief of Police k BOOM 00 told the Mayor he was being impeached on charges of corruption and multiple accounts of murder. The Mayor responded by severely injuring k BOOM 00. k BOOM 00 then got together with the elites and civilians and lead a rebellion to overthrow Nilloc. the rebellion failed and k BOOM 00 was fired from the police force. k BOOM 00 now works as the head reporter for the Gulchtopia Express.

Article 2:

Interview With Mayor Nilloc

Earlier to day, former Chief of Police and new Head Reporter k BOOM 00 sat down with Mayor Nilloc and interviewed him many questions:
Q: What are the crime rates like in Gulchtopia?
A: It's not as bad as it is in some cities, but the cops are doing their best

Q: What is Health Care like in Gulchtopia?
A: The Health-Care on-demand station is very useful and it helps a lot.

Q: What is the Police budget like in Gulchtopia?
A: The budget is fine where it is and if it gets to the point they need to carry around heavy machine guns, we will get them.

Q: What do you plan to do with the Island situation?
A: Not much. There are so many infected in the oceans, there's no way to prevent them from coming ashore with all of that coast.

Q: What do you think of all of the Immigrants coming to the city?
A: I think it may improve the economy, however it may undermine the quality of life and the standard of living for Gulchtopians.

Q: How is Gulchtopia's economy doing?
A: The economy is going strong, the wages are fair and the prices aren't fluctuating.

Q: What will you do in the event zombies break through the city walls?
A: I will try to arm as many citizens as I can in the armory to fight back

Q: Do you plan on creating an Immigration policy at any point?
A: Nope. We don't need it. However, if somebody recently joins a game and he's occupying the job of a citizen, he gets fired.

Article 3

BUSINESS

The Gulchtopia Express will soon be getting an office and editorial building! Wadges will start at $50, and we need donations to buy the building!

The Restaurant is under-staffed and needs employees! Wadges start at $50.

ADS

Did you know that 4/5 homes that are attacked by zombies get overrun? Do you know why? Because they don't have zombie insurance. With zombie insurance, you can have peace of mind in knowing that your house is 95% safer? Can you put a price on peace of mind?
Cost is $1,000.


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PostSubject: Re: Old News Articles   Tue Jun 11, 2013 11:09 pm

Gulchtopia Gazette Issue Number: 7
Originally Published: May 22, 2011 
Written By: Mayor Nilloc



Is Pasha Corrupt ?
The cop Overcast Pasha has been seen recently going around killing innocent civilians for absolutely no reason . Just to get a running riot

Some say this is corrupt and that he should be fired. The mayor had this to say " This is -blam!- up man. When ever I kill innocents I go to jail . BUT COPS DON'T ? We are going to change that !"

Police get a new HOG !
Recently (due to extreme lag) the police were seen driving a new warthog variant never seen in gulchtopia !
The warthog was soo new that when the cops went into town people got super excited
Sadly the warthog blew up only to be replaced by the normal rocket hog.

Thanks to the mayor !
Recently the mayor drove through the city and felt sad. He saw a lot of homeless people. These people were an eyesore. So the amazing mayor decided to take action . Using money ( out of his own pocket !) the mayor had a house built for the homeless out behind the resturant.

Some are angry saying " where was our bailout " But the mayor says that cleaning up the street is more important now than it has ever been.

That is it for this issue. And from all of us at the Gizette we say "Stay Crazy Gulchtopia"


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PostSubject: Re: Old News Articles   Tue Jun 11, 2013 11:10 pm

Gulchtopia Gazette Issue Number: 8
Originally Published: May 29, 2011
Written By: Mayor Nilloc




Terror Strikes Gulchtopia
So today a man by the name of Mr Smoothies stole a warthog and crashed it into the zombie wall. If the police hadn't stopped him he could have broken it. Some say that this was a terrorist attack but some say that he was just stupid.
The trial is scheduled to begin tomorrow at 3 PM centeral time.
His jewish lawyer had this to say
" Not too sure what would happen but I am comfident I can lower the charge if not get him off on all charges.

Question of the issue
We at the paper decided to make a question of the day. The question today is
" What was BD Street's original purpose before it became the clan's first RPG ?"

That is it for this issue and from all us at the Gizette, I say " Stay crazy Gulchtopia"


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PostSubject: Re: Old News Articles   Tue Jun 11, 2013 11:10 pm

Gulchtopia Gazette Issue Number: 9
Originally Published: June 22, 2011
Written By: Mayor Nilloc




Pet Elites
So today a new store opened up in Gulchtopia.

The store sells pet elites. The police and even the mayor( as seen playing fetch with his elite ) have one.

The store is owned and run by FrostbiteBomber. I had an interview with the owner.
NILLOC - How did you come up with the idea for the store ?
Frost - I was just tired of seeing dead elites on the street.

NILLOC - How much do the Elites cost ?
Frost - They cost $500 - $600

NILLOC - Have the elites had their shots ?
Frost - Most of them.

Smothies for none
Due to the recent actions of Mr. Smoothies the Smoothie stand got sut down. This is good because that made a team for all of those who like the elite pet store . Becasue this cleared up a team for the workers.

Cave for sale
Since C2C was kicked out for doing bad stuff and treason . His cave has become purchaseable. The starting price is $ 2,000. Contact NILLOC 916 to purchase it.

That is it for this issue. And from all of us at the Gizette we say "Stay Crazy Gulchtopia"


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PostSubject: Re: Old News Articles   Tue Jun 11, 2013 11:11 pm

Gulchtopia Gazette Issue Number: 10
Originally Published: July 3, 2011
Written By: Mayor Nilloc



Elite Murders !
Yesterday several elites were murdered. The first incident happened when mayor Nilloc took an elite from the pet store for a walk to see if it was behaved . The mayor then left the elite in a back ally while he took a piss. Shortly later people heard noises in the allly and when mayor Nilloc came back he found the elite dead with a knife wound in it's neck. The cop known as DemonicXyphoid investigated the elite and started questioning. His first suspect was Nilloc but while he was at his house another elite died.So the Cop then suspected ty sparta who is a respected resturant owner in the area. But while he was in jail another elite and Oseji ( a local bum ) died as well. Investigators then concluded that it must have been DemonicXyphoid. He was the only one without an aliby for any of the murders and he had motive. It is obvious that he did it because it gets him off. Demonic couldn't be reached for comment.

Nice @$$ apts. for sale
Recently the resturant got some additions to the top of it. It recived two apts. to the top of it The resturant  only has one apt. for sale. These apts. are for sale for $5,000. These are spatious  they are only a short commute from the resturant and park. But are secluded enough to prevent break-ins. Only one left though so get your's soon.

That is it for this issue. And from all of us at the Gizette we say "Stay Crazy Gulchtopia"


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PostSubject: Re: Old News Articles   Tue Jun 11, 2013 11:13 pm

Gulchtopia Gazette Issue Number: 12
Originally Published: August 17, 2011
Written By: Avery Boom



ECONOMIC DOWNTURN BANKRUPTS KILLBALL CLAN

ECONOMISTS CALL IT "ORANGE FRIDAY" IN GULTCHTOPIA
Kill Ball Clan, the Largest Shared Stock account in Gulchtopia, recently suffered a massive collapse that bankrupted the Clan. Experts are baffled at how this could have happened. Economists say this is "The largest Economic collapse in history." The Kill Ball Clan's Stock shares plummeted nearly 5,000 points the other day. The biggest point decline in Gultchtopia History. Kill Ball Share holders lost all stock in the collapse, and sold what little shares they had left for what little they were worth. The leader of the Kill Ball Clan had to shut down the Share account and sold all remaining assets. Many experts believe that this is going to be a major blow to the economy. No one knows how the Kill Ball Clan may recover from this, or if they'll recover at all. Only time will tell.

ANTI-TERRORIST RESPONSE TEAM BRINGS SECURITY TO CITY

PMC BUILDS IN THE GULTCH
It was recently reported that a Private Military Contractor calling themselves the Anti-Terrorism Response Team. They are a privately funded group, with no government support. Earlier this week, they rounded up a group of suspected terrorists that happened to be elites, and put them into a small temporary holding facility. This facility is completely non-government funded, with absolutely no ties to the mayor. This facility has been reportedly shut down.

ALIENIST CLAIMS MIRACLE CURE
SCIENTISTS BAFFLED!

A local aleinist and self-proclaimed "abductee" claims to have found a miracle cure for the Moa Flu. Scientists trying to denounce his accusations have been baffled by the amazing discovery that this man has made. This cure for the Moa Flu (H1-N1-A6-B12-G40-C4) Concists of a mixture of Axe shampoo, Heinekins Beer, Vodka, goat urine, Robitusin caugh syrup, Vagisil plus, gorrila hormones, and Halo 4 injected directly into the blood stream. This cure appears to have worked, however the test subjects were also given the conventional chicken soup and sprite that is known to cure the disease as well. The studies are inconclusive, but results seem to show that patients recover at the same rate as Chicken soup and sprite. Clinics are replacing Chicken soup and Sprite with the new "Alienist" drug. Prices will start around $5,000. Side effects include: deydration, disorientation, short-term memory loss, internal hemoraging, hallucinations, stroke, diabetes, Colon Cancer, pancriatic cancer, liver cancer, rectal bleading, explosive diarrhea, low blood/oxygen level, high blood/murcury level, and numorous tumors.

RESTAURANT EMPLOYEE EARNS EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH

LOCAL RESTAURANT EMPLOYEE GIVES BEER, AND GETS REWARD
A local restaurant employee by the name of Oseji was awarded Employee of the Month this week for chasing the Mayor down to give him his drink. We spoke with Oseji in an interview earlier today: "You know man I was just giving the mayor his food when he left without his drink. I kept yelling 'Wait you forgot your drink!' and I chased him all the way up to his house and gave it to him."


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PostSubject: Re: Old News Articles   Tue Jun 11, 2013 11:15 pm

Gulchtopia Gazette Issue Number: 13
Originally Published: September 4, 2011
Written By: Mayor Nilloc



Chief of Police election in Gulchtopia
Recently the Mayor decided that the position as Chief of Police should be elected and not appointed. The candidates are of much different backgrounds, views , and ammount of experience .  The Gazette has decided to give the voters ( ALL OF YOU ) more info about these people.
Gdawgs - Ex criminal Gdawgs now ownes the taxi business and knows about the seriousness of car theft. He now is a part time cop who still ownes the taxi busines and vies to be the police chief. Just remember " In Dawgs we trust "

Dead by dawn - An experienced cop who has been known to shoot first and ask questions later and shoot people for small crimes. However he is brittish and is probably just not used to the thought of cops carrying guns. But all you need to know is that " You can trust him he is Brittish

Kboom - The police chief since BD WORLD ! And a police veteran since the dark days of BD City. He is also the current police chief of Gulchtopia. He believes in serious regulations of police and more serious punnishments for violating those regulations. So if you like the way things are going and want to keep an experienced and regulated police force than vote for K boom and " Stay the course "

So soon will be a debate that will be put in the news as well so you just keep reading and be ready to make your decision.

Strippers bring back bar customers
As anyone in Gulchtopia knows the bar has seriously been lacking in customers. But recently a stripper named Vickey Eyes has started working at it. Even cops went there against regulations. So did the mayor and many civilians. So potential purchasers of the Bar rejoice because it will make alot of money.



Heroic bum delivers justice one shell at a time
A heroic bum Chose to clean the streets from crime with a shotgun. Sadly the police saw him with the shotgun and thought it was stollen so they shot him.

Hostage Crisis in Gulchtopia
Today in Gulchtopia the mayor had a little bit of a breakdown and killed almost everyone.

Shortly after the police interviewed witnesses at the bar. Sadly when the police tracked the mayor to his house they discovered that he had 2 hostages. 

The mayor had some demands. But he went to sleep in his bed when the police snuck in to the basemnt of the mayors house and tried to rescue the hostages. 

Ironicly one of the hostages thought the mayor was sooo kick ass that he opened fire on the cops and killed them both.

Then he tried to re-secure the hostages for the awesome mayor. But one of the hostages picked up a cops pistol and stopped him I guess the moral of the story is that the mayor is a heavy sleeper.


ADDS


IN DAWGS WE TRUST



[Edited on 09.10.2011 1 PM PDT]


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PostSubject: Re: Old News Articles   Tue Jun 11, 2013 11:17 pm

Gulchtopia Express Issue Number: 15
Originally Published: October 10, 2011
Written By: Mayor Nilloc


Wedding
So recently weddingbells could be heard in the statue area of Gulchtopia. Because Dead By Dawn and a girl named Britany who shares an account with her brother got married. The reception was nice.

HOSTAGE CRISIS II
Recently the mayor took cab driver C2C and a civilian hostage in Hells River's house. The police were called to the scene. The mayor demanded 3,000,000 dollars in un-marked hookers and a space helicopter. The officers tried to meet the demands but they replied " a space helicopter isn't possible " so the mayor shot the civilian. Then the mayor asked for a weapon so the cops gave him a DMR with ammo. In hindsight that was a bad idea. The police tried to storm the house but the mayor shot one of them and they retreated. The police then tried to storm the house later ]and one of the cops shot the other hostage. Then the mayor made his escape. He did it by throwing his DMR at the police chief and hitting him in the face

Shoot out at the zombie wall. OH F***
Early in the morning on a typical Gulchtopian day two groups of people were seen heading out to the zombie wall. The police however had too many other problems so they just prayed it wouldn't be a problem. Sadly they were wrong. The two groups opened fire on each other in what can be only described as a drug deal gone bad. Thankfully only rocks , people, and vehicles were hit and the zombie wall was unscaved.

Drug Trial of The Century
Recently the police made a big drug sting bust thanks to a tip by one ACB. The bust naled the major drug smuggler and dealer in all the Gulch. The sting had the suspect in question being quoted as saying " Yeah , the drugs are under the bed ". The defendant in the trial was one XDA BOOTY MANX. The trial was the easiest case in any lawyers history. With evidence stacking all the way up to the roof. But then the jury came to a verdict. NOT GUILTY ! The honorable mayor/judge NILLOC reacted by screaming " what the F*** is this , the Cassy Anthony trial ?  Then he shot the whole jury. Then he used his magical mayor powere to ]Make a car fall from the sky and kill the defendent Stll the verdict stayed the same this will go down as one for the worst acases in all of Gulchtopian history.

New Jckson Hospital Slaughter
Recently the mayor made a trip to the city of New Jackson. He went to check out the effects of the new health care bill. Here he is seen with his guard.




[Edited on 10.10.2011 5 PM PDT]


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PostSubject: Re: Old News Articles   Tue Jun 11, 2013 11:18 pm

Gulchtopia Express Issue Number: 16
Originally Published: October 30, 2011
Written By: Mayor Nilloc


Beyond the wall
Many of us know that there is a wall blocking us from the island and the know to be abandoned city of Islandtopia. and some of us know that it is abandoned because zombies came from the ocean and infected the city and swarm the oceans.

 As you can see in this picture taken by a passing falcon, the city and surrounding areas are infected and swarming with zombies. However if you look closer you can almost make out that there are still some survivors in the city, fighting for their lives.


 So why has this been hiden from us ? Why didn't the mayor of Gulchtopia organize an evacuation ? Well we asked him and he said that he didn't know people were surviving and that all he saw about the attack was the news briefing that showed him images of some of the last holdouts. He only told us that but he showed us some of the pictures and some info about them.


The old elite church
1 survivor , male
Status : overun 3 days after outbreak


Remote two story house
2 survivors, both male
Status : Unknown
Last transmission : 2 weeks after outbreak


But the question still remains will we ever be able to walk on the sandy beaches of Islandtopia again ? Nobody knows.

Realistate Listings

Small cave, close to city for sale - $ 2,500 .

Small 2nd floor appartments for sale - $ 500

Large 1st floor deluxe appartment for sale. (can be used as store frount) - $ 2,500

That is it for all of us at the Gazette. Untill next time stay crazy Gulctopia.


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PostSubject: Re: Old News Articles   Wed Jun 12, 2013 6:56 am

Wow, you guys are random.
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PostSubject: Re: Old News Articles   Wed Jun 12, 2013 12:48 pm

you think this is random ? wait untill you get to know us

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PostSubject: Re: Old News Articles   Thu Jun 13, 2013 10:05 am

YOUDIE411 wrote:
Wow, you guys are random.
I prefer the term creative.
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PostSubject: Re: Old News Articles   Sun Jun 16, 2013 11:56 pm

Battle of the Housing Market

Recently, the housing development in Gulchtopia has increased rapidly! The sudden enlarging of houses has caused the property value of all buildings in Gulchtopia to skyrocket! Most home-owners have little reason to complain since there are no state property taxes, but If you don't own a home by now, you've been left in the dust to buy property.

We're aboot to get started so let's get on the ice!

The Gulchtopian Sports Programming Network (GSPN) has established a bi-weekly state hockey tournament in which two teams go up for the grand prize of $1,000. There are currently two teams: The South Gulchtopian Chuggers, and the North Gulchtopian Po-Po. The coaches of these teams are: former Police Chief/CEO of the Gulchtopian Gazette k BOOM 00, and Police officer/rich person Spm1924. We interviewed these coaches:
k BOOM 00: "Can we hurry this up? I've got four hookers, Charlie Sheen, and eight lines of blow waiting in the living room of my $11,000 house. What do I expect out of my team? I expect winning. Nothing less. If they don't win I cut their balls off and feed them to a white tiger. i plan on splitting the pay pretty evenly; $50 to the players, and the rest to me. Just kidding. legally I can't give them anything less than $150.My team can't lose. I have had the word "lose" surgically removed from their brains. All my team can do is win. They know nothing but winning. Winning to my team is like peanut butter to chocolate. It's common knowledge that cannot be denied."
Spm1924: "I have some pretty good expectations for my team. They haven't let me down in the past. They got on their knees and sucked my d1ck. If I win a game, I plan on giving $150 to everybody, and the rest would go to me. I'm going to give them death threats if they don't win, or cut off their pay. I'll also give them the proper motivation they need such as hookers."

Page 2:

Gang Life: Gulchtopia

Two new gangs have sprouted up in Gulchtopia recently: The Purps, and O Gang. The Purps claim their territory in the Northern part of the city, and the O Gang holds the South. The downtown area is considered neutral. The Purps are lead by local wealthy person, Ninja De La Noches. It's members are mostly unknown. They mostly try to recruit random civilians in the downtown area to do hit-and-run attacks against the police. The O Gang's members are widely unknown, especially their leader. However, they are the most well-armed and dangerous gang in Gulchtopia. It is unknown where they get weapons and funding, as is everything else about their operation, but are known to where orange armor.

"Armor-in-a-Box" Makes poor people poorer!

The recently released product known as Armor-in-a-Box priced at $1,000,000 has caused poor people to become bankrupt! Apparently; poor people want this product so bad that they take out a loan from the state just to get it. However the debt is too great to pay, and it ends up in getting their houses foreclosed. the CEO of Getalife Inc. Prof. Ima Phagget has stated that the company should not be held liable for their mistakes of buying the product in the first place. Getalife Inc. now owns 39% of Gulchtopia.

Too Much P0rnz!!!

If you currently live in what is left of Dilltopia you may have noticed that the massive towers across the ocean have been doing strange things lately. Those massive structures are p0rn databases that are meant to store all of the p0rn in New Jackson. The strange sparking and massive beams of lightning coming off of these towers indicate that these databases are over flowing! These massive obelisks are simply not big enough to store all of the p0rn in New Jackson.

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PostSubject: Re: Old News Articles   Mon Jun 17, 2013 12:11 am

Gulchtopia Gazette Issue Number: Special Edition Issue
Originally Published: July 28, 2011
Written By: Avery Boom





Jihad on Gulchtopia!

This Afternoon it was reported that a large group of extremist, anti-Culchtopian Muslim terrorists attempted an attack on Gulchtopia. Reporter kBOOM has the story.

it seemed like an ordinary day in Gulchtopia.

But what seemed like a normal Morning, quickly turned to bloodshed. The day started like any other. people went about their daily tasks. Then, all hell breaks loose. "I was just doing my job like normal at the restaurant, fapping behind the counter when all of a sudden I started hearing gunshots!" - NinjadelaNoches, Restaurant clerk. "Hey man, it was crazy man, I was just driven along wiff ma buddy den like dis guy came up to him wida pisol en jus' shot 'em! An' I wuz like 'DAUM'!" - Doom Skull Kid. Known Muslim Klabmahk "Pasha" Ahmed Muhammad, shot and killed an innocent civilian in broad daylight.

A prelude to the carnage to come. The incident left civilians in awe.NinjadelaNoches is seen morning the passing of his lover.

The assailant retreated into the back alley and met up with the other terrorists who prepared for battle.

Police Officer Shamahs rushed into the alley to pursue, however, one of the terrorists came up from behind and knocked the officer unconscious.

Officer k BOOM 00, was on the scene and immediately opened fire but missed.

Officer k BOOM  readied his battle rifle and began to attack.

The Terrorists took a hostage with them.

As the Officer approached. One of the terrorists, Muhammad "Daddy Yankee" Abdul Bin Laden, charged the officer and was shot down.

Terrorist leader, Abdul "BlackWolfLeader" Muhammad Ali, then killed the hostage

In the subsequent firefight, Officer k BOOM was severely injured.

Officer Daniel "Dead By Dawn" Booth, was on site when it happened, and Engaged the terrorists.

However, the Officer was unable to apprehend the terrorists, and was Injured, and left for dead.

In this picture,taken by the alley SecurCam, you can see the remaining three terrorists in the aftermath of the fire fight getting ready to escape.

"Well basically I followed my fellow Officer k BOOM into the alley, I saw him go in and I stood back, and then he got shot and I was like 'Holy -blam!-, this is goin down like a postuh' and then I saw the green people start shooting at me and that was about it... Like a postuh." - Officer Dan. "People were shooting and I got shanked by Pasha." - Officer Shamahs. The terrorists proceeded to high-jack a civilian warthog and escaped the city.

The terrorists proceeded with their plan. They were going to destroy their target. Their target: Zack Wall.

The Officers recovered from their injuries, and followed the terrorists into the Valley.

The Officers quickly dispatched the two terrorists, but it didn't end there. The terrorists still had a buck up plan. Muslim terrorist Abdul "DemonicXyphoid" Ahmadinejad Bin Laden Muhammed Bukharin Qaddafi High-jacked the Doom Brother's Falcon.

Once he had the falcon, he crashed it into the wall!

The terrorist, thinking his mission was complete, bailed out of the falcon and tried to escape, but Officer Shamahs gunned him down.

The Terrorists: Apprehended. The attack: Thwarted. Now all that was left was to find out who did it. The Police and the Mayor began rounding up suspects.

They then brought the suspects to the Jail cell, and Interrogated them.

The Terrorists involved were tried convicted by the jury under the counts of treason, 3rd degree murder, conspiracy to commit terrorism, terrorism, theft, grand larceny, possession of illegal firearms, assault on multiple officers, grand theft auto, conspiracy against the government, High-Treason, Jail Break, resisting arrest, possession of illegal narcotics, and attempted assassination of the mayor.
After the trial, former terrorist Klabmahk "OvercastPasha" Ahmed Muhammad, submitted a statement to the press stating: "Demonic is a dumbass! Me and Blackwolf agreed that we were -blam!- and we should take them down with us, but Demonic yells out 'Don't worry guys, I'm gonna save you!' and I'm like; 'what? No stop!' and this dumbass crashes into the wall with the Falcon!"

The Mayor later stated that the following Muslims are now under heavy watch, and if any Gultchtopian resident sees one of them, please contact the authorities immediately:
Abdul "BlackwolfLeader" Muhammad Ali Hussein
Klabmahk "OvercastPasha" Ahmed Muhammad
Abdul "DemonicXyphoid" Ahmadinejad Bin Laden Bukharin Qaddafi (BANNED)
Kareem "ZoneKiller" Saddam Mahkmoud Ahmadinejad Bin Laden
Muhammad "Daddy Yankee" Abdul Kareem Hussein Bin Laden

The Terrorists have all been sentenced several years in jail.

So there you have it. Terrorists, fire fights in the alley, innocent deaths, and an attack on the Zack Wall. A day that seemed normal to most, was instantly turned upside down, and into a battle field. This has been reporter kBOOM, signing out.

[Edited on 07.28.2011 3 PM PDT]


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PostSubject: Re: Old News Articles   Wed Jan 29, 2014 1:14 am

Gulchtopia Express Issue Number: 17
Originally Published: December 28, 2011
Written By: Mayor Nilloc







It's the most wornderfull time of the year
So as we all know Gulchtopia is celebrating its first christmass. And some know the ancient tradition that the mayor just made up a week ago will be practiced. The one where the good boys and girls get presents in their houses and the bad boys and girls get cut open and their organs ripped out and sold by REPO SANTA ( that includes the naughty girls Sad)who uses the organ money to pay for the presents. So some of you should be shakeing in your metal boots. Happy Gulchtopia Christmas !


Pasha's Church of Racisim
Some may recall that Overcast Pasha created his own church on the first floor of the appartment building next to Rawr's appartment. Some of you may of attended a sermon or two and some of you became members of the church. Well for those of you who havn't may not know what his sermons are about. Well for those of you who havn't I will tell you. These sermons are as Pasha put it " About how elites are the devil and must be captured with pokie balls ( plasma grenades ) or killed ". Now some elites may take offence to it.

This elite was seen attacking a cop who tried to defend a sermon [/url]. Violence shortley rose and innocent members of the church were attacked. As seen here an elite attacks a sermon.

But elites are not the only ones offended friends of elites are aiding in the attacks.

. Well whatever the case freedom of religion is a right in Gulchtopia unless you worship a smelly brown god.

Realistate
Affordable Apartments- $500



Well that is it for us at the Gaztte and from us to you Stay Crazy Gulchtopia !


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PostSubject: Re: Old News Articles   Wed Jan 29, 2014 1:17 am

Gulchtopia Express Issue Number: 18
Originally Published: January 4, 2012
Written By: Mayor Nilloc


Most tragic day in Gulchtopia History
On January Third, a day that will live an infamy, elites and innocent civilians who were under the influence of elite influence bombed the zombie wall with enough explosives to destroy it all. The explosion could be heard all across the Gulch. Unfortunately it was heard in the ruins of Islandtopia by the zombies  as seen here in footage from a dead humans camera.

Due to the catastrophe the mayor called in a pelican to rescue the civilians but it crashed due to engine complications. Also a desperate BDxRiver tried to take his boat off shore but it sunk and he floated back to shore. The remaining survivors used some spare parts to fashion a super tank like some A-Team shit and got past the zombies and sealed off the wall behind them. The only good news from the day was that all the zombies were trapped in the Gulch. And one day we may be able to re-claim it. The death toll is estimated to be OVER NINE THOUSAND !!!!!!!!!!!!

Chief Kboom's dirty little secret
While digging through the kboom family records a reporter for the Gazette found this family portrait that has Kboom ( left ) Data his daughter ( right ) .

However if you look closely you see an elite in Kboom's house. When questioned the chief stated that the elite was the b@st@rd son that he had with an elite hooker in New Jackson City. He stated that he kept the " Disappointment " in the basement and throws him in some stale crackers every three hours.

So from everyone at the Gazette we say "Stay crazy Gulchtopia"


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