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The Mayor

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Join date : 2013-03-15
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Location : MESSISSEPPEH !!!

PostSubject: Gulchtopia News Archive   Thu Mar 21, 2013 10:07 pm

Another Dam Elite Attack
Today two elites stole a shotgun from the apartment of Private Pyle and killed anyone who came to the top floor. After one caring civilian got killed trying to kill them, they were even more heavily armed. One with a shotgun and a pistol, and the other with just a plasma pistol. However NILLOC talked them into coming down from the room. However after seeing two cops ready to take them to jail they opened fire.

One cop was killed but both elites were killed as well.

Elite on Elite Violence. Always a good laugh.

Today an elite working at the bar ( Fantasy kitten ) attacked and killed four other elites.

NILLOC walked in just as the last elite fell and shot fantasy. Afterwards, NILLOC and Zonekiller examined the crime scene and then the dead elites were chopped up and grinded into elite burgers.

That's it for this issue for the Gazette. And Stay Crazy Gulchtopia

Last edited by NILLOC on Tue Jun 30, 2015 12:40 am; edited 1 time in total
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The Mayor

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PostSubject: Gulchtopia Gazette Issue : 2   Mon Mar 25, 2013 9:26 pm

The Great Civilian Revolution
Today, our great mayor was walking down the street and heard the cries of his people " the cops are assholes " and " they keep killing us for no reason ". The mayor originally dismissed this as bull shit. But he walked into the bar and was assaulted by the bartender. [img][/img] he then heard from Shamas that this woman told the police he raped her, and the police were searching for him to arrest him ! The mayor decided not to go down without a fight and gathered up some guns. Soon others fed up with the police tyranny joined him including Shams, Bri, Aj, and GMC. Some brought their own weapons and others had some provided by the mayor. Soon explosions could be heard all throughout the Gulch as police fired rockets at the mayor's house. [img][/img]
The mayor then gave a daring speech to his fellow revolutionaries, passed out the ammo and prepared for a battle. And that battle came, as seen here the mayor had formed a firing line to hold off the hordes of attacking police.
However ammo ran low and the mayor tried to hold off the police as long as he could with just a small group. However they were overwhelmed and the mayor was knocked unconscious. As he came to all those heros who stayed to help him had died.
Fortunately one man, Aj, came out and stabbed the cop put in charge of finishing off the survivors, and AJ rescued NILLOC. [img][/img]

Trial of the century
Unfortunately, the great mayor of the people, NILLOC, was arrested and charged with many charges including murders and rape. The trial was short however because the evidence was shit. Therefore the mayor was let free and with all charges dropped.

This picture tells it all !

Last edited by NILLOC on Mon Mar 25, 2013 11:02 pm; edited 1 time in total
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The Mayor

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PostSubject: Gulchtopia Gazette Issue #3   Thu Jun 13, 2013 2:44 pm


Today gdawgs and some of his associates saved up enough money to purchase a storefront under the Apartments. There they opened up a health clinic, they provide health in the clinic but also have someone roam around on their green mongoose and use drop-shields to heal. Here is a pic of the ambulance in front of the clinic.


Recently one cop by the name of Dan has been stealing Nilloc's helmet, not literally of course but he copies Nilloc's helmet. As seen here


Rumors are spreading that some unknown party is smuggling in or possibly brewing Purple Drank in the Gulch, and selling it on the black market. The police are baffled as to the location of this illegal operation, or if it even exists. We will keep you updated as the story develops.

And thats it for all of us at the Gazette, and from us to you.
Stay Crazy Gulchtopia
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The Mayor

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PostSubject: Gulchtopia Gazette Issue #4   Mon Jun 17, 2013 3:04 am

Mayors Rampage, maybe it is time for change.

Today gdawgs was pulled over for reckless driving, almost as soon as he got out of the car he was shot by Nilloc, then Nilloc stole his car and drove off

However before he could escape the police emp'd the vehicle with their grenade launcher. As the Mayor exited the car he pulled out a shotgun and had to be shot by police. Local clinic doctor, GMC, tried to resuscitate the Mayor but it wasn't looking good, outraged by the assumed death of the Mayor, GMC picked up the Mayor's shotgun and shot police chief, Acted Stephen. GMC was then shot down by Officer Shamas. While this isn't the first of the Mayors questionable acts to end in multiple bodies, it has sparked the question " Maybe we need a new Mayor ".


Today, Gdawgs was driving recklessly when a police officer pulled him over and had him take a breathalyzer test, the test showed  that he had excessive amounts of Codeine and Sprite in his system, this led officers to believe that he was under the influence of Purple Drank. As he was being questioned, a man known as Scott Castaletti walked into the jail, Gdawgs immediately said that Scott had given him the purple drank. Before police could question Mr. Castaletti, he shot an officer and Gdawgs before being gunned down by police. 

Later that day, Nilloc and police came under fire from the Mayors house. The Mayor immediately organized all civilians and police into an attack force and while they assaulted the house and distracted the criminals, Nilloc stealth fully entered his house, acquired some weapons and took out most of the criminals, police then busted in and helped the Mayor clear out the rest. It is clear now that purple drank and purple drankers are becoming a serious problem.
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The Mayor

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PostSubject: Gulchtopia Gazette Issue #5 UPDATED   Sun Jan 26, 2014 10:34 pm

Elite Burger Sabotage !

Recently the bar has come under the management of Pasha who turned the normally exclusively Strip Bar into an eating establishment. One of their most famous dishes is Elite Burgers. However, some elite activists took offense at the celebrated Gulchtopian Cuisine. So much so that they sabotaged them by having sex with the meat. Pasha quoted one of the disgruntled split lips as saying "Fuck your Burgers". Upon finding this out, the great Mayor, Nilloc stabbed said elite off a cliff.

Immigrants running rampant !

Earlier today a boat came into port. On it was a shit ton of immigrants.

At first the immigrants were peaceful and curious about our City. But the sight of large numbers of them rushing into the bar freaked people out.

Eventually an elite snapped (of course it was a god damn split lip) and started killing multitudes of them.

Led by an immigrant named ShinheDynasty, several immigrants stole weapons and started fighting the locals.

Nilloc and Pasha helped the swamped police in putting down the immigrant rebellion, however it was too late and many had already died

The overflow of immigrants and no way to tell their intentions caused many civilians and even some police to attack immigrants on sight. Many innocents tried to hide.

It is obvious that immigration is going to be a growing problem with many more people arriving by boat to see our fair city and try to achieve the Gulchtopian Dream. We at the Gulchtopian Gazette contacted the mayor's office to find out how the mayor plans to deal with the waves of homeless, jobless immigrants and under staffed/Under trained police. The mayor made the following comment :
" These damn immigrants are a real problem. If we have a bunch of jobless brown heathens running around it's obvious that they are going to drink at the bar and start shit. We also have problems with the police not being able to handle the waves. Not to mention that all we have for the homeless to live in is one dumpster. So I am going to get together with a council of business leaders and police tomorrow to discuss what we will do. I'm sure that we will be able to reach a solution before we have to resort to citizens all packing heat and blasting."

We at the Gazette will report the results of the meeting tomorrow in this post so you all can know what programs the mayor is going to institute to combat the immigrant problem.

And thats it for all of us at the Gazette, and from us to you.
Stay Crazy Gulchtopia

Last edited by NILLOC on Wed Jan 29, 2014 1:37 am; edited 2 times in total
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The Mayor

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PostSubject: Gulchtopia Gazette Issue #6   Fri Jan 31, 2014 12:47 am

The Purple Drank Bust of the Century.

A guy by the name of Artemis recently "Caught" a person cooking up purple drank at the island. After finding this out he tried to have a meeting with the mayor. However while meeting two men on a mongoose drove by and shot at them.

After the shooting they tried to run inside, but they were followed by the gunmen. They shot Artemis and critically wounded him.

The gunmen then fled, thinking their job was complete. But were both gunned down by police. Unfortunately, it was not discovered who hired them. But one of them had the tattoo of an Armadillo on his arm, so it is believed he was a member of the secret assassin organization from BD City.

After the attempted hit, Artemis was placed in the protective custody with two police guards. Only the mayor and an elite friend of Artemis was allowed in to see him.

Unfortunately, someone else did get in. Another man was sent to kill him. This man wielding a sword. He somehow was able to get in and wound Armetis. This man too was gunned down by police.

The next day, the trial of the year kicked off. The accused was Undercast Island, AKA Old Gregg, AKA Claptrap, AKA Old Man Woods, AKA Scott Castaletti, AKA Arnold Jr., AKA the Booty Warria, AKA Barbara. He was defended by Gdawgs. In the trial, Mr. Castaletti was accused with Cooking up Purple drank, Conspiracy to distribute Purple Drank, and attempted murder of an undercover agent. The trial was very eventful, with a surprise wittiness stating that Artemis admitted to him that he planned to frame the police for corruption and sue for money. This brought Artemis' credibility into question, because if that's a lie, how do people know that the charges facing Undercast aren't ? The next revelation stunned the entire courtroom however, Gdawgs rose up, called Artemis to the stand and read off a list of purple drank's effects, including Hallucinations and, in excessive doses, a blue mist around the user's head. It just so happened that Artemis had a blue mist around his head. Gdawgs then questioned Artemis as to if it was possible that Artemis never saw Undercast and he was actually high on purple drank he, himself had brewed and hallucinated it was Undercast. The courtroom was stunned. After a quick deliberation the jury came back with the verdict NOT GUILTY. Truly a shocking turn of events that either way has obviously disrupted purple drank production in the area.

The recent influx of immigrants led to a strain on the job market, many are out of work. This has led to what some are calling the "Bum Fight Club". Several rich people of Gulch, many assumed to have some affiliation with the Mafia organization known only as "The Family", have been pitting out of work people and immigrants against each other for betting sport. The winner getting a meager sum. The first fights were held in a cave right outside the city, with watery pools being turned red with all the bum blood.

Gulchtopia's Finest however, busted in on the ring after one viewer left his car parked right outside the cave. The viewers and fighters alike ran out of the cave in a haze of screaming and gunfire.

The police claim the bum fights were completely and permanently shut down, but they said that about purple drank many times before. We at the Gazette believe the fights have just moved to another location, for where there is the ability to make money off of illegal activities, The Family is there.

Bloodless Bank Heist

Today, two uniformed men, one armed with a shotgun walked into the bank and approached the teller. They told the teller that they were there to transport the money to the Mayor. The men then took the money and escaped with it. These men were not money transporters, they were criminals who took advantage of a new bank teller who didn't know how to tell the difference between a criminal and a fellow employee of Nilloc Industries. The employee has since been fired (for an unrelated incident) and a hunt for the perpetrators for the crime is under way.

And thats it for all of us at the Gazette, and from us to you.
Stay Crazy Gulchtopia

"I am Nilloc 916, and I am here to ask you a question. Is a man not entitled to lord over the poor and have them fight to the death?

'No,' says the man in Washington, 'that's fucked up.'
'No,' says the man in the Vatican, 'Your ass needs Jesus.'
'No,' says the man in Moscow, 'we're all poor.'

I rejected those answers. Instead, I chose something different. I chose the impossible. I chose...


A city where the rich would not fear the poor,
where the scientist would not be bound by a lack of test subjects,
where the great would not be constrained by the small.

And with the sweat of your brow, you can lord over the poor of Gulchtopia, as well."

Last edited by NILLOC on Sun Feb 02, 2014 11:31 pm; edited 1 time in total
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The Mayor

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PostSubject: Gulchtopia Gazette Issue #7   Sat Feb 15, 2014 1:51 am

Elite Rapist Caught

Recently an elite immigrant has been going around raping people. Not just humans but also other elites.

The rapes happened in all kinds of places. From dumpsters to alleys, and even in one instance, in the back of the Gents Club. Fortunately, the police were tipped off on his location by one of his victims who managed to escape, and the sick fuck was put down. I think we can all sleep better knowing this scum ball is rotting at the bottom of the ocean.

Hostage Crisis Resolved By 8yr Old

Yesterday, a couple of elites took local business owner Overcast Pasha hostage in his own home. This was only found out when a civilian walked into Pasha's home to talk to pasha. The civilian tried to run out, but was blown up by one of the hostage takers.

The police then entered the house and engaged the elite who blew up the civilian. There was still the matter of the elite who had Pasha hostage however, and the police didn't want to risk shooting Pasha.

Fortunately the stalemate was broken when the mayor's little brother, Jackson, ran in and shot the hostage taking elite in the face. Thus releasing Pasha from the nightmare that was their smell.

Elite Church Springs Up

Not since the early days of Gulchtopia, before the zombie wall was breached for the first time, has there been an Elite Church in the Gulch. However two elites AJTO'ee and Cutanious Nut'ee believe that needs to change. These two elites went to great expense (even going as far to take out a loan) to erect a church next to the Bank. One of our reporters had a chance to speak with Cutanious who will be the main priest of the  church and here's what he had to say "This isn't just a Sangheili church, we also accept any humans seeking redemption". The church will host sermons, and can also be booked for weddings.

Perhaps this new church will lead to less elite violence, or possibly more, that remains to be seen.

That's it for all of us at the Gazette, and from us to you.
Stay Crazy Gulchtopia

"I am Nilloc 916, and I am here to ask you a question. Is a man not entitled to lord over the poor and have them fight to the death?

'No,' says the man in Washington, 'that's fucked up.'
'No,' says the man in the Vatican, 'Your ass needs Jesus.'
'No,' says the man in Moscow, 'we're all poor.'

I rejected those answers. Instead, I chose something different. I chose the impossible. I chose...


A city where the rich would not fear the poor,
where the scientist would not be bound by a lack of test subjects,
where the great would not be constrained by the small.

And with the sweat of your brow, you can lord over the poor of Gulchtopia, as well."
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PostSubject: Gulchtopia Gazette Issue 8   Sat Mar 01, 2014 7:24 pm

Helloooooo Gulchtopians this is you're newest reporter with some NEWS!

The Newest Most Refreshing of All Drinks
First up the Gents club serving it's most newest Creation the Gulchtopian Beer!

The ingredients are...
The tears of Nate

Who wouldn't want to drink tears from this guys face

What's up with Shadow?

In other news OvercastPasha caught an strange elite by the name shadow injuring himself    

When questioned about his actions he stated, "I'm thirsty"! He then proceeded to drink his blood.

What does this mean? An elite ritual, elite vampire, or does purple drank come from elite blood?

At the end I interviewed several people for their insight on the new jet pack business.

Pasha:what do you think of the jet pack business?

Dan:I believe it can benefit the cops and it's a useful ability to have around for everyone to have.

Gdawgz:it's a great way to stay in shape!

Bri:Awesome I can finally fly and touch the sky.

Shamshw:it's great.

That's all everybody!

Last edited by OvercastPasha on Sat Mar 01, 2014 7:50 pm; edited 2 times in total
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PostSubject: Gulchtopia Gazette Issue 9   Fri Mar 14, 2014 3:38 am

Are you ready for the NEWS?! This is OvercastPasha and I have the scoop.

Nothing But Purple Blood

Nothing but a surprisingly peaceful day in Gluchtopia. The mayor was on a lovely stroll, that is until he heard rumours of a rebellion on the verge of the great city. Mayor NILLOC rushed over to the island with business man shames to investigate. Once reaching the island to confront the suspected leader of the rebellion Cutaneousnut, his revenant was stunned by a EMP, causing him to depart the vehicle only to be forced into a firefight.  

Mayor NILLOC was successful in taking down the leader of the rebellion, but after putting him down NILLOC was sniped by a needle rifle wounded by the remaining members of the rebellion.

The group then scattered moving in different directions, however still planning to attack the City now with their new found weapons and equipment taken from the homes of many people and the mayors body. One member VerbalFlame took the mayors revenant and planned on taking the tunnel to the city. Hearing of the disturbed news police officer OvercastPasha headed to the tunnel with civilian shamamas who had managed to escape the previous firefight alive. Once reaching the tunnel that's when the engagement happened.

The revenant proved to be powerful in the hands of verbal almost killing both the OvercastPasha and Shazma. The intense battle seemed to last forever with Verbal almost succeeding.  

However the two were saved as police Chief Dan sniped verbal flame.

Citizen Shamash then helped clear then rest of the remaining rebels somewhat restoring peace to the city.

The Battle of Cut v. Enforcer

Evidence shows Cut walked into the club and confessed that he was creating the first human split lip. Cut then explained how his test subject would be his close friend enforcer, this beginning the most violent battle of Gluchtopia.  

Being disgusted with what he had become Enforcer attacked Cut stabbing him. Cut then feeling no emotion for his Frankenstein he retaliated using a hammer to fight him. Below are several pictures of the battle.  

The battle resulted in deaths of many immigrants and club workers only to be concluded with both members in jail. The mayors input towards the result was "How about this? Y'all are both ugly and should rot in prison" and that's it with the most action packed article of Gluchtopia.

And like always, stay crazy Gulchtopia!
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PostSubject: Gulchtopia Gazette Issue 10   Tue Mar 25, 2014 7:07 pm

OvercastPasha here with the scoop.

GulchDay Massacre

Big news as Gulchtopia celebrated it's very first Gulchday!
Everyone had a blast playing games such as dunk the mayor and bumper goose.

Everyone was having a Blast!

It was time for our first parade during Gulchday, officer Overcast was in charge of leading the Mayor NILLOC.

However disaster struck as many workers and civilians started attacking both the mayor and officer Overcast with plasma grenades.

The city was in crisis mode as the vehicles were destroyed.

It was blood bath went on for hours until a few survivors remained.

It is uncertain whether this will be the last Gulchday it was however memorable.

Situation Prime

Officer NILLOC walked into an apartment in Gulchtopia only to find many immigrants and citizens. Prime Turret claimed he was throwing a party and everyone was invited. It seemed shady throwing a party at a room smaller than his bathroom but NILLOC let it pass.  

Later on two citizens were killed at the party. Prime told the police that the two people died fighting each other while intoxicated.

However many members of the party reported that Prime Turret killed the guests only so he can harvest their organs.

Officer NILLOC proceeded to question Prime. Prime Turret then confessed to killing people for the harvesting of their organs.

What does this mean for Prime? What about the citizens of Gulchtopia?
Have The Civilians Lost Their Minds?

Following next days after the Prime case many citizens followed a strange pattern of running around the city statue. Many pictures show the strange activity caused by citizens the Gulchtopia.

What could be the cause of the behaviour? Why are citizens of Gulchtopia running around the zombie statue?  

Do You Know What The Definition of Insanity is?

Officer OvercastPasha entered the Gents Club only to find citizen Dino and club worker Betty bickering.

Doing what seemed logical Overcast asked for both members to follow him to the police station just for questioning to sort out the situation. However both decided to instead go in to the jail cell ignoring the police officer.

Betty then attacked and killed Dino in the jail cell.

Before the police officer could even react citizen Blazing Fire threw himself into the jail cell to fight Betty, but he was also slain by Betty.

Then a different person by the name DINO the fucking genius walked into the police station and also threw himself at Betty only to achieve the same fate as the other genius before.

Then someone by the name of Doctor Fucking Blazing decided...what? yup that's right, he threw himself into the cell and died by Betty.

Evidence shows that at the end of the day you could see the cracks in the helmets of both Officer Dan and Officer Overcast due to the amount of face palms that occurred throughout the day.

Even more pictures exist of more citizens doing the same like the others again and again. At the end it was reported that Betty killed 13 citizens that believed it was a good idea to fucking break into fucking jail to fight a fucking guy with a stolen sword.

At the end the mayor showed up and tried Betty leaving him to suffer with many consequences. Also Officer Dan and Overcast were transported to the nearest hospital to be cured of their cancer due to the intelligent citizens of Gulchtopia.

Diltoipia goes silent

Many people claiming to be survivors came to gulch. They told mayor that the nearby city of Diltoipia was attacked by zombies. What could this mean for is? Should we boost our defences?

That's it for the news, Stay crazy Gulchtopia.
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PostSubject: Gulchtopia Gazette issue 12   Wed Apr 16, 2014 12:19 am

Hey it's OvercastPasha and I have a suit.

Wasteman Squad: II?

It was an early morning for Gulchtopia. The mayor was in the middle of his regular morning routine as he punched an elite off his bridge as is ritual.  

However the citizens felt that they had reached a limit. They gathered outside the mayors property preparing to retaliate.

This led to a short battle where many citizens were brutally killed.

The leader of this rebellion was the same person who was a member of wasteman squad PandaHero. Panda decided to leave with his remaining forces to the island.  

Once all rebels reached Pandas beach house they had one last party before they attacked the city again.

However a police officer approached the house looking for the rebels. The rebels attacked, with a 6:1 ratio they were able to overpower the officer and obtain weapons to push on the attack.

The rebels pushed on ahead where they killed more officers on the way towards the city. At one point they were able to take out a patrolling officer and hijack a vehicle.

However before taking off in the vehicle it was destroyed, exploding, killing what looks like all the rebels. This is because Police Chief Dan had shown up just in time to lazer the vehicle.

Surprisingly though panda hero the leader had survived. The evidence shows that the dying person in the picture was a immigrant he switched armour colours with. Before he could escape Dan confronted him, ready to make an arrest.

However Dan was shot, wounded brutally.

Evidence shows that Panda hero was saved by Epic Joker who had ironically shown up just in time from the obviousness.

It's still a mystery but facts don't lie. Pictures and witness state that after helping his friend Joker jumped into the water and disappeared.

The whereabouts of both Joker and Panda are unknown.

Consul Elections

After OvercastPasha resigned his position at the Gulchtopian town consul a spot has opened for any human citizen wishing to join as the civilian representation. 

So far three citizens are running for the chance at becoming a member of the consul. 

Wealthy Business man who's well respected in his work regarding architecture and driving his kids to work and back home. His eldest son is a warthog and the youngest is a golf club.

Remember with Gdawgz, this will be a nice neighbourhood

Wealthy government official working close to the mayor. Aj is known for someone who can get work done and focus on what's important.

Aj is special

A fairly new citizen in the city of Gulchtopia. shadow had worked his way up from an immigrant status to now a newly recruit in the Gulchtopia police office.

shadow wishes to protect you

That's all we have so far for the election, remember if you're interested in running for this position then message the mayor NILLOC. 

Sorta like Arny I guess

Club worker by the name of Blazing Fire snapped while during his shift.
He pulled out a pistol he had stolen and opened fire wounding many innocents. Several witnesses explained that blazing was taking over the city and yelling what seemed like inaccurate references to Arnold Schwarzenegger.

At the end citizens say he took a shot gun and shot himself.
Never forget the day gulch was in blazings control, even if it was only a few minutes.

Spartan pregnant with an elites child? UNACCEEEEPTAAAABBBBLE

Recently police officer Dino admitted to be pregnant. However she confessed that the baby belonged to an elite who requested his name not be given.

All we know is according to the mayor there will be a wedding soon to congratulate the sick couple.

Hockey Returns to Gulchtopia!

After a long wait hockey returns back to Gulchtopia. Business owners OvercastPasha of the gents club, Shamash of the jet pack shack and Gdawgz of the taxi business are sponsoring hockey teams.

We encourage people to step forward and be apart of this sport.

If you're interested in joining the Gulchtopia hockey league then make sure you message the mayor NILLOC asking to join.    

The teams in the GHL are

OvercastPasha-Maple Minions

Shamah-Taco Terminators

Gdawgz-Cactus Crushers

That's it for this week. Stay crazy Gulchtopia!
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PostSubject: Gulchtopia Gazette issue 13   Tue Apr 22, 2014 11:57 am

Hello Gulchtopians this OvercastPasha and I have the scoop.

Election Results for the civilian representative are in!

The elections finally came to conclusion. After a strong tie with Gdawgz of the cactus party and Aj of the conservatives ended with the Cactus party barely winning by a single vote.

Later on I asked Gdawgz his input on his newest position.

As a new City Council member, I plan to focus on the infrastructure and image of the city. I hope to bring new means of entertainment and beauty into Gulchtopia, and improve the quality of our road system to be safer and more efficient for everyone.
I hope to be an involved citizen, and organize as many celebratory egagements for the people as possible as well.                                                                                

Election Results for the Elite representative are in!

The elections for the elite representation on the city council also came to an end.

This was the most amazing election of Gulchtopia up to date. Z4bros and CutatenousNut were in a big lead, both tied for position.

However Representative Prime Turret who was last place behind blazing announced to pay people money to vote for him. After that voting on Prime skyrocketed.

Silent Soldier Unleashes chaos in the city, Pink Mist: A problem?

After the GGG distributed drug known as Pink Mist, many citizens are seen with pink needles inside them.

Police officer Silent Soldier as seen in a back ally with needles being injected into him.  

Silent soldier then went into a rampage killing innocent citizens of Gulchtopia.  

He then killed a taxi driver and drove off.

Silent is currently on the run and is being hunted on the order of the mayor.  

Upcoming Elections for the New Police Chief

The crime rate in Gulchtopia is at an all time high. After the retirement of Police Chief Danny Wanny, the Police department is not only in need of more police, but as well as a new Chief of Police.

Thus there will be elections for the position of the new Police Chief if you're already working the police force with a decent amount of experience.

I spoke with the retired Police Chief and asked him some questions.

1. What made you leave the Police force.

I left because I felt like my decisions didn't mean anything and most of the cops sucked

2. Have you anyone in mind for your replacement?

No idea hopefuly someone decent

3. Now that you're gone any predictions to what will happen in the police?

Seeing it now just utter failure.

Advertisement: Lawyer for Hire

OvercastPasha is available as a legal advisor and lawyer for you ever require one.

If interested contact me Xbox live messaging OvercastPasha or contact me on the Website sending me a Pm.

That's it for this week.

Remember to check the website as new changes have occurred. Pay attention to job posting and laws specifically.

Also check out my book

That's it for this week, Remember Stay Crazy Gulchtopia.

Last edited by OvercastPasha on Tue Apr 22, 2014 8:00 pm; edited 1 time in total
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PostSubject: Gulchtopian Patriot issue 1   Mon Apr 28, 2014 6:50 pm

A Great Victory.

Earlier this week counter terrorist agents in our great capital struck a great blow in the war on Elite Terror. As we all know the capital of New Jackson, New Jackson City, has been lousy with the smelly split lips since the failed coup a few years back. Also, as we all know, just about 11 out of every 10 elites is a terrorist or terrorist sympathizer.

At around 11am in the Capital, counter terrorist teams moved up to elite hot spots and the homes of elite terrorists with the intention to detain some and just-fully pass sentence onto the worst of them. However, elites are horrible, violent creatures and many tried to attack the arresting officers. These split lips were also put down. Others were taken into back alleys and shot, just as they deserved.

This is truly a great time to be a New Jacksonian people. Hopefully we can get our Mayor to institute a similar counter terrorist sweep in our fair city. Keeping our streets clean of all the elite filth.

Warthog EATS Mongoose

Before the city's Upgrade this week, The Taxi driver for the day, BlazingFire, Was parked on the side of the road, awaiting some customers. yet when an elite terrorist sympathizer by the name of Cutaneousnut and his accomplice blackwolfleader, rolled up in a red mongoose and attacked Blazing, he was hardly expecting it.

So Blazing pounded his big elite foot to the floor of the Warthog as he sped away in full throttle, scared for his life. As he passed through the canyon, the two attackers drove after him, desperately wanting to finish the job.

Yet when Blazing was reaching the end of the canyon, his Warthog sputtered, Blazing was worried he ran out of gas, (Of Course he forgot that a warthog can't run out of fuel because a Warthog uses Air molecules to create fuel. It brings the air molecules in, makes them move around fast enough in a heated chamber that turns them into heat molecules which the warthog then uses as fuel. Which means that for Blazing's Warthog to run out of Gas there would have to be no air.) But he then realized that the Warthog wasn't slowing down, as it crashed through a police cruiser it suddenly stopped, but it wasn't Blazing controlling it, Blazing had lost control of the warthog. Yet it seemed to move with a mind of its own, and Cut saw it as an opportunity to catch up.

The Warthog played through hundreds of radio stations to make a noise that sounded like the word "Hungry", Blazing's Warthog then went in full throttle again on two wheels this time, and right toward Cut and Black. The Warthog then suddenly brought down the two front wheels, Chomping on the Mongoose. However, The Mongoose exploded as suddenly it's fuel tank was ruptured.

When the police arrived, they found a Warthog, two dead civilians with stolen weapons, A  mongoose carcas and a small child yellow elite that knew how to drive a taxi, crying in the middle of the scene.

Lost a Business, Gained an Upgrade, from wheels to propellers

Sadly, Shamah's Jetpack Business closed down by a council vote. Yet Gdawgs offered him a job, at his Taxi buisness, he declined but the Taxi buisness isn't a taxi anymore.

Gdawgs got an upgrade, Instead of the taxi buisness, meet Gdawg's Gulchtopia airline.

Now, it isn't like an actual airline with a plane and a runway. It can take you anywhere you want, at anytime, if the driver feels like it. It is truly a great day when a Human's Buisness blossoms into something better.

The City Upgrade

Along with Gdawg's great upgrade, Our great and Merciful Mayor Nilloc, thought, "why not let our citizens get something too?" So he pulled a few strings and closed the city for construction. When everyone returned, they found that they couldn't smell the garbage anymore! Everyone cheered and wondered where it had gone, But when the Mayor came down and explained he had a warehouse built so that the people wouldn't have to smell it anymore, and that the zombie statue was back in town in front of the new Taxi upgrade.

Our Mayor is a true great person.

The Divorce of Gay Courtship

GMC (or as some people know him Austin) came back this week, but he didn't get anything back from before. He went to Undercast's Cave to find out what his Husband was up too. He found him holding hands with Vicky eyes while they rode a unicorn, He yelled at Undercast, "How could you do this to me?! I'm getting a divorce and i want my 400g back!" Undercast refused to give it to him and kicked him out of his own cave. GMC then took the case to court with Pasha as his Lawyer and Gdawgs as Undercasts.

Gdawgs started out with a speech about how people in gulch have always gone away for a while and they have come back to find something of theirs missing, but when pasha objected saying how undercast got everything back when he returned, while GMC was left alone with nothing when he returned.

When GMC took the stand he said that undercast would beat him with a cane if he didn't get the purple drank orders in on time when they were still in crime...

After hours of this Case they plead Undercast to be guilty and fined him 1400g to GMC.

Undercast wins

UndercastIsland wins the police chief election! With his trademarked slogan #Hope and his promises to make another candidate a stripper, their name is requested to be unsaid, he was victory bound the moment he started.

When Dan retired as police chief Undercast stepped up.. Not really an improvement but undercast is doing well to many peoples surprise.

The Civil war ends, The Rebels win with new laws.
The civil war in Diltopia has finally ended. With the Rebels victory over the tyrannous rule of the Mayor Wabbajack Curtis, they can finally implement Laws that they needed to make their city better again.

They started by Banning Purple Drank that the mayor loved so much. We'll have to see what else they put next. Will it be stupid? maybe. Will the new Mayor Charles Hickey do better? probably considering he already Banned Purple Drank.

Citizens seen worshiping car

A new cult began this week, it was first seen when it was worshipping a car, but it was destroyed a few moments later.

Our Mayor, Nilloc, saw and watched the can for a while until he finally said
"Damn cults, it's time to go hunting again"
He then pulled his Sniper rifle off of his back and fired a clip and a half destroying the car and the cultists who tried to protect it with their bodies.

Our Mayor is Correct, not a day goes by when a cult shouldn't be destroyed, Worshipping false deity's like that, its shameful.

Storm the house

Before the Taxi upgrade, Gdawgs and a few other civilians jumped onto the taxi and started chanting we are women and we are free while one of the people placed a bubble shield every 5 seconds. They drove all the way to Collins bridge to his land where the guard LET THEM pass onto Collin's land while he just watched and chased after them.

They drove into the house

Up the stairs and into Collin's office

When the guard did something about it finally, they could've stolen weapons! He should have been fired for letting them very close to burning down the mayors house. You know how disastrous that could've been?

Cut's Court Case

For Our final story tonight we have Cut's Court Case, He had stolen weapons, a vehicle, and had committed mass murder. The court ruled guilty and ruled the punishment of 3 gulch days in jail. At least our government hired our excellent police force to stop people like him from doing any more damage.

That's all we have for this week. I'm Shadow0611 with your weekly Gulchtopian Patriot.
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PostSubject: Gulchtopia Gazette Issue 14   Mon Apr 28, 2014 7:13 pm

Hello Gulchtopians this is OvercastPasha and I have multiple Scoops.

Horror in New Jackson City

Today in New Jackson City things seemed to be same as usual.
People Were relaxing in the park:
People Were Eating at Local Hot Spot "Ty's Gobbidy Goop":
Things were the picture of calm and serenity. However then the soldiers came. All across the city they
Rolled up in Warthogs.:
They then rounded up the elites and lined them up in alley ways. After that the elites were executed with their bodies left in the alleys to rot.

Some elites tried to run, sadly this was in vein. They were just shot in the back.

As some of you know New Jackson has been greatly populated by elites since the attempted  Coup a few years back, and tensions had been a little high in the beginning. However nobody could have expected this kind of tragedy to be perpetrated by our own government. Us at the Gazette don't know what this means for our city but we hope this doesn't lead to our city going back to the times of elite church bombings and concentration camps.

Court Case A.v S ,26 April

After a long time Gulchtopia finally had a civil dispute.

The plaintiff was Austin GMC  in the orange on the right and his Lawyer OvercastPasha on the left.

The defendant was Undercast on the right in the brown, and his lawyer Nicholas Gdawgz on the left.

The Jury was composed of Skilled Fear, Z4Bros, Enforcer, and Jonez.  

The case is the Plaintiff was Suing defendant Undercast his old roommate for compensation in regards to Undercast sharing money with someone else after GMC was gone for a short period of time.

The Plaintiff side wanted the money returned as well as enough to be reimbursed for loss of possessions. The amount Concluded was 1400 in Gulch Marks.

The Defendant side however did not wish to give any money.

Many good important points were brought up in the case.
This is a summary of the important points brought up in the court Room.

Nicholas Gdawgz
"it has always been a rule in Gulchtopia that when people become inactive and return they will have lost something of their possession. But most of the time everything.There are no second chances as no person as been granted possession due to this rule"

Overcast Pasha
"Objection! When Undercast was gone he did lose everything but when he returned all his possessions were given back. Why isn't the same happening to my client Austin GMC?"

OvercastPasha then brought his client Austin GMC to the stand.

Overcast Pasha
"Even though you lost all possessions did Undercast not force you into illegal activity with purple drank an illegal substance?"

"Yes he used to beat me if I didn't get the deliveries on time.."

Overcast Pasha
"Ok people of the Jury, imagine a man beating a child with a cane because he didn't get the deliveries on time? Now all the posters of Minecraft SpongeBob as a pimp in his house make sense."

The Jury concluded with being in favour of Austin GMC and issued an Order for Scott Undercast to give the Plaintiff 1400 Gulch Marks.

Thus concludes our dispute.  
Police chief Election results

After Dan retired from the police force a new member was needed to step up as new police chief and Police representative on the council.

After a tense competition Undercast was victorious wining citizens vote using his trademarked slogan, #Hope.

Many are doubtful of undercast but I, unlike the rest have #Hope.

Hungry Warthog

Taxi driver BlazingFire had his vehicle stationed outside the Gents Club. However he was suddenly attacked by two citizens. At first one opened fire at the warthog with an MA5 issue Assault rife. The taxi driver fled the area but the pursers followed.  

Thus the chase started.

Blazing using a Safety Official Gdawgz Auto Pilot was able to save his life. Using the SOGAP the warthog went into the opposite direction and slammed straight into blazings pursers.

This was the result.

Blazing drove off and told the police of his story and was laid off without any charges.

Remember kids if you're in a Gdawgz trademarked Vehicle and you're in danger just remember SO GAP!

#SOGAP #Safe #Gdawgz
Court Case C.v G, 23 April

According to witnesses after his retirement Dan has been having fun in the streets of Gulchtopia with his lazer. Recently the retired Police chief attacked and wounded elite CutenousNut. Ironically he was then arrested by the new Police Chief UndercastIsland.

After recovering CutenousNut broke into jail and attacked Dan.

CutenousNut also attacked many citizens and stole a weapon to achieve revenge. The mayor issued a trial due to the many crimes by CutenousNut in a single day. However before the trial could take place the defendant plead guilty. Due to this the case was closed and CutenousNut was forced to spend time in jail.

Big News In Diltoipia

Diltoipia had recently struggled in a civil war which led to many citizens leaving as refugees. However the city has finally begun to recover after the civil war came to a end.

Rebels were successful in  overthrowing leader and establishing a new constitution. Many important laws were changed such as the banning of purple drank.

However Pink Mist has not been banned in Diltoipia like it has in Gulchtopia. It is unknown where Diltoipia lies now with it's new government but it doesn't matter because Gulchtopia will always be better.

Holy Warthog

Witnesses brought up troubling news to the media recently. Citizens say then saw other members of Gulchtopia outside the city on the island taking part in strange activity.

The first picture shows citizens attacking a warthog.

Citizens then moved the warthog next to a damaged mongoose.

Some suggest the citizens were standing in a circle around the fire in order to survive the cold harsh living conditions. Others however say that the group was chanting as if committing some religious sacrifice.

The warthog suddenly combusted blowing up for no reason.

However the citizens were fine as no harm had come to them.

We at the Gazette have no idea what this is but perhaps some light will be shed on it later.

Business, business, and More business

During the council meeting, council members decided on the disbanding of Shamaza's Jet Pack Shack. The reasons were due to lack of employees and business. This opens for new ideas as I suspect many new citizens have potential in creating something to take its place.

Following disbanding of the jet pack shack was also the major upgrade in the taxi business. Owner Gdawgz's brought up an important note in the council meeting that warthogs were obsolete and the future was in falcons. Now the taxi business functions as a air service that will get you to your destination more efficiently!  

Here's a tease of the new improved business.

We are Weirdos and We are Free!

A strange group of civilians crashed a warthog trespassing into the rich neighbourhood. However the group stormed aiming to break and enter the mayors house. Using bubble technology the drop was able to shield themselves from the guard. 

The group the successfully branched into the house, screaming "we are women, we are free"!

However eventually the guard caught up and slaughtered the civilians. 

The guard let the taxi driver go as a sign to warn others of the crime.

New city look V2

Finally after the newest council meeting, Mayor NILLOC and Gdawgz got to work on improving the city. The picture below is the New improved version of Gulchtopia.

On the south is the new Air service Taxi business and next to it is the new Rocky Fella Plaza. The north side as a new jail now with more stability to keep the peace. Also next to the police station is an empty warehouse which roof is used as parking space for citizens living in the apartments.

Slowly but surely the city will evolve, who knows what else will be in store for the future of Gulchtopia!

That's it for this week! As always Stay Crazy Gulchtopia!
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PostSubject: Gulchtopia Gazette Issue 15   Sat May 17, 2014 12:05 pm

Hello Gulchtopians this is OvercastPasha with the scoop.

The Poverty Games

After the deporting of Ex police officer Zbros the mayor decided to put his dream house on sale, however he then decided to have a competition for the middle and lower classes to fight each other for the house.

This is the poverty Games, Mayor NILLOC as announced in a few weeks the battle will start so if you're poor you better start training.  

This competition has happened before years ago so be sure to read that here

HOWEVER remember that in order to participate the mayor has requested only Spartans without houses. This means if you own a house or are an elite, YOU CANNOT PARTICIPATE.

Be sure to check the old news article poverty games.

The Poverty games will take place Saturday May the 24th.

N v. GPD

The mayor sued the police department of Gulchtopia for claims of police brutality and reckless actions.

On stand the plaintiff NILLOC stated that he was arrested for protecting his brother the president of New Jackson, when the president entered to pardon the mayor they were attacked and forced to retaliate. The police eventually with force were able to wound the mayor and his brother the president.

This led to a huge court case against the GPD. The mayor wanted to sue the Police for recklessness and brutality for a compensation of 10 million Gulchmarks.

On defence for the police was Vicky.

The Plaintiff was NILLOC with his lawyers Gdawgz and OvercastPasha.

The court after long discussion believed that it was true the police were reckless in their actions due to commanding officer being away and new recruits were confused about their duties. However it wasn't not proven to be of brutal force.

At the end the police still compensated the mayor, paying the 10 millions Gulch marks.

Stirred up Green and Purple Blood

Recently the council voted in banning all use and distribution of pink mist.

This has upset many members of the  Gulchtopia Goose Gang, the GGG also faced trouble with members associated with what they called the Wyatt Family, inspired by none other than Bray Wyatt.

Recently the two groups had conflict fighting in the streets of Gulchtopia. Blood was spilled and many citizens of Gulchtopia died. Also police corruption spread as a result of not only gangs but drugs. For example respected Police Officer Z4bros was deported out of the city Gulchtopia for his overuses of Pink mist, using the drug he was assisting the GGG.

The mayor has promised to meet with the council to discuss the issue soon and promises a change may take place in the future.

I interviewed Goose Gang member BlazingFire

1.   Do you think pink mist should be banned?

No because we don't see any harm in pink mist. Z4Bros was an elite so his reaction to the drug is different than a human.

2. Any suggestions to end the conflict between your gangs?

Yeah, we should just fight it out till the end. I'm talking big street war.

Who knows how this will end out, we at the Gazzette however predict a lot more blood shed.


Wealthy known business man Nicolas Gdawgz started an architecture firm in Gulchtopia.  Gdawgz promises to help please any individual every step if the way to ensure you get a suitable cheap house either pre made  model or customized 100% by YOU.

Gdawgz also works closely with Gdawgz's furniture warehouse and can offer discounts on housing furniture for your home.

Recently Gdawgz helped improved the restaurant. Gdawgz transformed the place giving to classy upgrades improving the once box of sadness.  

Click this link if your interested for more information on G-Estatez, and if you are interested in buying contact Gdawgz himself by messaging Gdawgz216 on Xbox.

That's it stay crazy Gulchtopia!
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PostSubject: Gulchtopia Gazette Issue 16   Wed May 21, 2014 10:16 pm

This is OvercastPasha with the scoop

K v. G case

After killing an officer and a civilian the group headed and escaped the city to the island. After that the police issued a warrant for arrest and killer was taken to jail for crimes of gang violence.

The jury was composed of Shadow, Vicky, and exemptedSun.

Prosecution was undercastIsland  

Defence was accused Killer and Lawyer OvercastPasha

Many important points we're explained in the trial. The state explained that the accused was guilty of gang violence seeing how the men are associated with each other and helped defend the accused from police attacking. However the defence exclaimed that the accused did not ask for the help which wouldn't make sense to convict an innocent man of a crime he didn't intend to commit.

At the end the jury verdict was Brandon Killer is not guilty

Disappointment in the consul  

Lately the Sangheili representative Prime Turret as been regarded by many Elites to "unless" on his position of council meeting. Many say he has skipped out on attending a few meetings and hasn't contributed to the city. Not to mention his affiliations with the Goose Gang. However some disagree that he is the best in the position for accomplishments  such as creating a News source for other Sangheili.

I sat down with CutenousNut and asked a few questions for his opinion in the matter.

1. Just to start give me your opinion on Primeturret as a Sangheili representative?

I believe he as no honour, making a mockery of our kind in gulch. We need someone with a good temper who will put effort into their job.  

2. What could he do to be better as his position? e?

He needs to put more initiative into his job helping Gulchtopians human or Sangheili.

3. Any ideas on what he should do?

He needs to talk to Gulchtopias and figure out what our people need and want. He needs to participate more in meetings and put more effort into bettering our city.

GGG Base Upgrade

The Gulchtopia Goose Gang  moved it's hideout location to the island for more security from threats such as the Wyatt family.

This is the basic layout of the area with many more upgrades to come.

Who knows what this means for the future. We at the gazette predict more chaos.

Suit Up Gents and get a dress Ladies

After spending years talking with his internet girlfriend Panda hero was able to get his SO to move to Gulchtopia.

Panda hero announced that him and Freehugs are getting married. Now I would congratulate the couple and wish them a happy life...but they invited me to the wedding only so I could be a bartender, so fuck you guys.

News for other cities

Diltoipia after new government is increasing in both military and economy. Recently the city has started mass production, trading with many cities. After trading with Gulchtopia we gained an increase in Evade armour abilities lowering the costs by 40%. Diltoipia has grown strong and many experts are starting to predict it may be as powerful as Gulchtopia soon. Many fear a war to happen like the great wars before, however the mayor has assured everyone that history will not repeat itself.

A new city near Gulchtopia is being created called Cactitopia. This city is created out of settlers of Gulchtopia and will be growing soon. However this means new positions will open for Cactitopia. This means a new police chief is needed, new mayor, new businesses, and opens tons of new opportunities.

"Cactopia is known amongst it's founders as the promised land. Founded by Carl C. Cactus a few miles away from the rumored location of the Treasure of the Cactus, it is a lush green land based on the shoreline with much use for vehicular entertainment. A land rich with culture and beautiful architecture, this recently vacant city has the best real-estate on the market, and is filling up fast! Come visit us and consider migrating for a more beautiful life, and more beautiful city!" -Gdawgz

That's it for this week, stay crazy Gulchtopia!
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The Mayor

Posts : 984
Join date : 2013-03-15
Age : 23
Location : MESSISSEPPEH !!!

PostSubject: Gulchtopia Patriot Issue : 2   Wed May 21, 2014 10:56 pm

Hello fellow patriots. This is Nilloc filling in for Shadow who has come down with a case of something. 

Elites Hampering Progress.... AGAIN

Patriots, today was a horrible day. I regret to report that elite terrorists from the group  SFV, (Otherwise known as Sangheili for Vengeance) has attacked the construction site for a new city. The potential city in question was Cactopia, brainchild of proud human business tycoon Gdawgs. He intended to create a great city as a model to human achievement, one so great that it would be up there with New Jackson or even Gulchtopia. However that dream has been ruined. Elites from this group didn't just attack the city, they destroyed it. The city was being powered by a new type of nuclear reactor from Nilloc Industries that didn't produce waste and was under heavy guard. However an several heavily armed elites got into the city and caused a distraction on the other side of the city while suicide bombers who used modified Engineer bomb vests to blow up the reactor. Unfortunately the entire city was destroyed and all land within a 50km radius has been deemed uninhabitable. 

Shortly before the attack elite terrorists uploaded a short video stating that they were going to take revenge for the elite massacre in New Jackson City a short time ago. The elite terror group SFV (Sangheili for Vengence) has claimed responsibility for the attack and  in a statement made in a video on the internet site "EliteRadical.split" they have "future plans for attacks" as "humans are filthy scum who will face judgement". This is truly a bad time for our great nation and for humanity as a whole.

Government Prepares An Appropriate Response.

Well people it looks like the elites have finally pushed the government too far. Today at a press conference our Secretary of Defense Johann Eliteburner stated the following :

"We will not tolerate this kind of wanton murder by anybody human or elite. I promise you all that justice will be done. I am announcing the formation of an anti-elite terror task force called the "International Zealot Annihilation Network". They will be carrying out actions in the near future to prevent this kind of terror in the future"

It is clear that our government intends now on taking action against the elite scourge across our nation and not just the Split-Lips in New Jackson. I look forward to what the future has to show.

That's it from us at the patriot and remember New Jacksonites, the elites are your enemy and it's time to fight back !
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PostSubject: Gulchtopian Patriot issue 3   Tue May 27, 2014 5:03 pm

Hello, I'm Shadow0611, returning to Gulchtopia after a while across the country.

The New Outbreak

In the city of Nortopia, a city known for its mining operations and seaside administration, there was a strange outbreak of a new disease, the outbreak took 5 steps throughout the day, and it has consumed the entire area.

On may 20th, a police officer by the name of Phoenix5Reborn saw a man hunched over in an alley with a kind of crunching noise. The officer pulled out his shotgun and yelled
"Hey!" down the alley, the man looked back at the police officer with a pair of red eyes and blood bleeding down his lip, and suddenly appeared right in front of Phoenix and ate him in one bite.

The next few hours, Phoenix and multiple others came back to life with the same red eyes, and began devouring the rest of the city. After devouring the town the red eyed monsters simply exploded into a pile of gore.
Within 17 hours the city's population had been reduced to 0.
Except for the elites.
The Alien race had been completely ignored, scientists are studying the elites and have discovered that the disease came from their waste, which they dump out once every 2 years of their life, which causes them to smell so bad.
So watch out, if you see alien poo, stay at least 25 yards away.

Leader offer, Declined

The old leader of the goose gang was offered to rejoin as leader when killer was away since killer is never in gulch and always placing new goose gang operations in many other cities, he declined the offer and simply walked away, which is good, it means that the GGG operations in Gulchtopia is slowly declining with more new laws on gangs.

That is all for this week I'm Shadow0611 returning from vacation and back with YOUR Gulchtopian patriot every week.
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PostSubject: Gulchtopia Gazette Issue 17   Tue Jun 03, 2014 8:11 pm

Heyo this is OvercastPasha with the scoop. I'm sad to say everybody that this edition is not going to have as much pictures, barely any to be honest. To those who are upset , don't be sad I promise next week will be in colour book form! No I'm kidding, just read the damn news you illiterate fuck.

Poverty Games

May 25 the Poverty games were a go as contestants slaughtered each other for a chance at winning 2500 Gulchmarks.

The contestants were

Maybe I just

The games begun with barely 20 seconds into the fight and Maybe I just Shot ZombieGeek with a shotgun.

A little after that Enforcer stabbed Silent wolf with an energy sword.

Maybe I just then faked an alliance with Shamas; only to betray him by literally shooting him in the back.

Enforcer after being well equipped takes out Maybe I Just with a heavy Machine gun turret.

The fight ended with a battle between Panda Hero and Enforcer. Before Panda got the chance to stab him, enforcer used Maybe's shotgun and managed to counter him blasting him in the face in mere seconds.

The mayor congratulated Enforcer for helping entertain him and rewarded him him the promised 2500 Gulchmarks.

Leeeeeeeeets trade

OvercastPasha and Undercast decided to have a trade recently. This resulted in a new police chief OvercastPasha and a new business establishment. Sadly I must report that the Gents Club is no more as Undercast replaced it with a new Club called the Purple Nipple.

I asked the new club owner a few questions regarding changes in the club. However he refused to answer any questions and repeatedly called me a "Fagbag".

On the other hand congrats to the new Police Chief, who is me. I promise to better bring stability in Gulchtopia. I am currently recruiting Police officers and will be hosting a recruitment training  session soon if I have many recruits waiting to become police officers.  Of you are interested send me a private message on the website with your application form. Also message me with any questions.  

So Much for That

Recently the promised wedding between Panda Hero and FreeHugs did not happen as FreeHugs decided she didn't want to live on the fair city of Gulchtopia. She left to go back to Diltoipia after she was attacked in the city by members of the Wyatt Family. We at the Gazette believe this was dude to her connections with Panda Hero a rumoured member of the Gulchtopia Goose Gang. Sadly our Weddingless streak still goes on.

Another Elite Attack

Recently elites once again attacked a city this time being the distant city of islandtopia. However this time the newly established task force IZAN was ready and fought if the elites. This led to an insane battle. However the city was not captured as the soldiers successfully fought off the elites. The city may still be in human hands but it was left destroyed completely ruining the recently recovered state of Islandtopia.

The battle ended with calculated results that


129 citizens
20 citizens

3890 soldiers
689 soldiers  

5000 elites of SFV

this catastrophe brought out an uproar as citizens every where are concerned and protests about elites are multiplying everyday due to this disaster. We have no idea what this may mean for the citizens of Gulchtopia but this is only the beginning.  

That's all for this week, Stay crazy Gulchtopia.
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The Mayor

Posts : 984
Join date : 2013-03-15
Age : 23
Location : MESSISSEPPEH !!!

PostSubject: Gulchtopian Gazette Issue 18   Thu Jun 12, 2014 7:58 pm

Howdy readers, this is your mayor filling in for Pasha while he's busy lumber-jacking and hunting for moose. A lot has happened in this past week, so much that I had was too busy to write this article until today. But don't your fret readers, because the articles will go back to coming out on Tuesdays, starting the Tuesday after next.


Well everyone, it's over. The horrible wave of terror caused by elites has come to an end in our fair city and our fair nation. On June 7th, several operatives of the IZAN descended upon the Gulch and with the help of the police and the mayor, put an end to elite terror.
How did they accomplish this task you ask ? Well first they drove into the Gulch (and cities across New Jackson) found elites, and rounded them up.

However, not all elites understood the necessity of these actions and tried to fight back.

Thankfully not a single Human was killed and all the resisting elites were put down.

After all the elites were gathered up they were transported to camps much like this one pictured :

Shortly after the elites were all in the camps the IZAN started firing into the camps wiping out all elites that hadn't already been killed by their fellow elite in fits of rage.


Recently the Mayor came to a realization, even with the elites gone their stench stuck in the city. Even after assigning poor people to scrub every inch of the Gulch clean the inner city still stank. So the mayor did what any reasonable person would do, he blew up the city and had it rebuilt. Now our city is much nicer. Here is a picture of our city taken by our news chopper.


Yesterday things were calm in Gulch, people were talking in the streets and it was a perfect (albeit odd for Gulch) image of serenity. However out of nowhere a beam from a spartan lazer struck the taxi falcon killing the pilot and two others.

The cops did the best they could to try to find the perpetrator before he struck again but they couldn't find him. It appeared that he was hiding. As the mayor was scolding the police for not tracking down the criminal another lazer shot out. This time severely damaging a parked police car.

This time the police leaped into action without the mayor telling them to. One officer tracked the criminal to a back alley way but was unfortunately cut down by a blast from a shotgun the immigrant stole. Following the officer was our Mayor who was able to subdue the criminal and bring him to jail. Before the trial could be arranged the criminal took his own life in his cell, bringing the number of dead from his rampage to 6.


Late yesterday afternoon as the Purple Nipple's evening crowd started to pour into the bar the Mayor walked in carrying a large red flag. Before anyone could say a word he leaped up onto the table and exclaimed "I am claiming this bar in the name of mother Russia". He then proceeded to order people to bow as he played loud Soviet music through his helmet's loud speakers.

The mayor then went all around the city doing this in different places from Panda's Comedy club to the Taxi stand. However one place remained untouched, the Police Station. The reason being that there was a cop standing in the doorway holding his own flag.

The Mayor was contempt to leave the Police Station alone, but a short time later a citizen walked into the police station and stole a cops flag. Unsure what to do the police officer went to the Mayor asking what he should do. The Mayor came up with a plan to use himself as a distraction while the cop took out the flag wielding maniac. The plan worked out exactly as expected. The Mayor confronted the criminal and then dropped to the floor. Before the criminal knew what was going on, officer GMC took the shot and put a pistol round right in the criminal's face.

This goes to show the power flags have and how dangerous they can be, but at least for now the Flag Wars are over.

That's all from us at the Gazette. Stay crazy Gulchtopia.

Last edited by NILLOC on Mon Jun 16, 2014 4:21 pm; edited 1 time in total
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PostSubject: Gulchtopia Gazette Issue 19   Tue Jun 17, 2014 3:47 pm


Yesterday the entire city of Gulchtopia was shocked when two civilians killed a cop, stole his patrol hog and then drove up to Alaska Acres. There they exchanged fire with the bridge guard and tried to carbomb the mayors house. Thankfully the driver, Artimis was shot and flipped the car. The gunner, Voltchiarbor survived and was arrested.

While in jail and awaiting trial for participating in an act of rebellion, Volt raped Wilson (Undercast's Skull Roommate). Prosecuting the trial was officer Shamas while Undercast was defending the criminal. Unfortunately the cameras in the court room were out of whack so there aren't any photos. At one point in the trial the entire courtroom was shocked when Undercast brought up the fact that his client raped Wilson. After that the jury went to deliberate, less than a minute later the Jury came back with a verdict, guilty. The judge then sentenced Volt to a public execution.


A short time after the trial Volt was taken to Rockyfella plaza for his public execution. Officers PerfectVirus and GMC held the flags of the Mayor and the Police office and stood next to Volt.

However before the execution could go as planned a man appeared out of nowhere and smashed Volt's face in with a human skull that was assumed to be Wilson. The vigilante then ran off, getting mildly injured by a shot to the arm by the Mayor.

While Volt was recovering in his cell for a redo of his execution, police tracked the vigilante to the Purple Nipple. The police tried to subdue the perpetrator but he pulled out a rifle and got gunned down by police.

After the vigilante was disposed of, the execution was back on. Everybody assembled back in the plaza to view the execution. The Mayor then pulled out his pistol and shot Volt right in the face. Thus ending the story of Gulch's first human terrorist attack in over a year.
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The Mayor

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PostSubject: Gulchtopia Gazette Issue 20   Tue Jun 24, 2014 2:52 pm

Wilson's War

Yesterday afternoon, our great President stopped by our city and started talking with Wilson.

Unfortunately, Wilson's roommate, Officer UndercastIsland, tried to arrest our President.

A shot was fired and the Mayor flew in on his Deluxe Falcon and engaged the officers.

The Mayor then instructed the President to pull back to the docks so he could be extracted. While the President made his way back to the docks, the Mayor provided suppressing fire. The President was then extracted and brought back to the Mayor's clifftop home where he was safe from the police.

It is unsure what the exact death toll is but it is believed to be around 8 police officers and 2 civilians.

SS. Jackov Sets Sail

Recently several wealthy people of Gulchtopia including Taxi business owner Gdawgs, Former Police Chief Undercast, and Former Business owner Shamas commissioned the construction of a large house boat. The boat was specially designed by G-Estates and assembled in a New Jackson shipyard. Shortly after being set for sail, Gdawgs drove the elegant ship to the cove by Gulchtopia's Island where he set anchor and intends to keep the place as his permanent home. For those who remember, this is the first privately owned boat since when Avery Boom had a boat out by his Ocean-side bar.

Police Chief Elections, Yes, Again
Unfortunately our current Police Chief, Overcast Pasha, is on a hiatus and has been unable to name an intern Police Chief. At the moment there are only 3 candidates, but it is expected for the candidacy to jump up to as much as 5 by the election's start, this Saturday.
The current candidates are:
- Police Officer Shamas
- Police Sargent GMC
- Police Sargent DaddyYankee

High Stakes Poker Tournament Scheduled

This Saturday a Poker Tournament will take place on the game "World Superstars of Poker" (you can get this game on the marketplace for free). There wealthy gamblers will put their money where their mouth is, competing for a pot of up to 10,000 Gulchmarks ! All are allowed to participate as long as they pay the g1,000 entry fee. If you wish to participate in the tournament, comment so here.

That's all for us at the Gazette. Stay Crazy Gulchtopia.

Last edited by NILLOC on Sun Jul 06, 2014 5:15 pm; edited 3 times in total
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PostSubject: Re: Gulchtopia News Archive   Tue Jun 24, 2014 8:27 pm

There 3 people running
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The Mayor

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PostSubject: Gulchtopian Gazette Issue 21   Tue Jul 01, 2014 12:49 am

Howdy people of Gulchtopia, a hell of a lot has happened this week, and the Gazette is here to profit from how fucked up y'all are.

Not so Nice Guys take on Goose Gang

Today in Gulchtopia something happened that is not uncommon in our great city, two groups of people engaged in armed combat with almost no one surviving. What is unusual however is that the aggressors appear to be the so called "Nice Guys Club". Now for those of you who don't know, the Nice Guy Club was a group started by Panda Hero to help the poor and downtrodden people of Gulchtopia.
According to witnesses the incident proceeded as follows. First, near the Gulch side of the Zombiewall Tunnel, Killer encountered 3 Nice Guy members. Some words were said and a short time later Killer ran off and the Nice guys perused him.

Killer ran all the way back to his house where one of his gang members and a buddy were waiting. They geared up and got ready to defend their home.

They warned the Nice Guys to back off, but according to security camera footage the Nice guys keep rolling around asking "what are you going to do ?". Police officer Daddy Yankee, sensing there was a problem with all those people converging on one building, showed up right as the shooting started.

The fight shortly made it's way outside where it entered the view of Mayor Nilloc who was flying by in his falcon. Aware that Officer Yankee was in danger, the Mayor opened fire with his falcon's main gun.

After all the smoke cleared and the shooting stopped, 3 people were dead and 3 critically wounded (including Killer and PandaHero) All because of a little disagreement.

Red Room Bar Opens

Recently Officer Undercast sold his Titty Bar, The Purple Nipple, to Mayor Nilloc for a whopping four thousand Gulchmarks. This isn't the first time the Mayor has purchased a business from another person, but this time he doesn't intend to just turn around and sell it to an investor. He instead has shelled out around g10,000 of his own money to renovate the business from almost the ground up to turn it into the new bar he's calling "The Red Room". I sat down to talk with him a few days ago :

Gazette - You normally buy businesses from people and then turn around and sell them to someone else. Why the sudden change of heart ?

Mayor Nilloc - Many times I've seen the Bar change hands, it's changed from Dark seedy places where you constantly fear being stabbed, to classy establishments where you have to hold your pinky out to drink your drink, and everything in-between. Given that the bar has changed ownership about 3 times in the last month I felt that it was time for me to step in and do something different.

Gazette - You mentioned that you intend to do something "different" with the bar. What exactly are your plans with The Red Room ?

Mayor Nilloc - I feel the reason that the bar has changed it's atmosphere so much in the past is because there isn't one atmosphere that represents Gulch. We are both classy and greasy, we are both dangerous and safe somehow. I feel my bar should represent that. It is a pretty nice joint, but there are still shady fellas around. You can enjoy the place without fearing getting stabbed, BUT if you run your mouth off you may just get found in the dumpster a few days later.

Gazette - That sounds fantastic, some bars in the past have had Strippers to attract customers. Are you going to continue this trend ?

Mayor Nilloc - Who the hell is going to strip ? Vicky ? Probably not, she doesn't do that anymore. We are going to instead try other live entertainment. We have a small stage and microphone so the customers can perform. They can sing or tell jokes or whatever else they want; except play music through their loud speakers, that shit sucks.

Gazette - Your Bar is called "The Red Room" but your employees wear pink armor. Why is that ?

Mayor Nilloc - Well the way I see it, the bartenders are employees of mine just like my guards. My guards however are on a higher level than the bartenders. So since the bartenders are on a lesser level in my employment ranking, so will they be on a lesser level of red.

Gazette - Well this new Bar sounds fantastic, I can't wait to stop by. Thank you for your time Nilloc

Mayor Nilloc - Any time for the Gazette, just remember to stay out of my private booth without my permission or you may find yourself at the bottom of Gulch Lake
GGG and NGC join forces

In a move that shocked just about everyone in Gulchtopia, GGG Leader Killer and NGC leader Panda Hero came out and announced that their gangs would cease hostilities and join together in some sort of collaboration. I was able to sit down with killer for an interview :

Me - Why did your gangs join together ?
Killer - We were sick of fighting each other.

Me - So would any such alliance be formed with the Wyatt Family ?
Killer - No, Dan's crazy and un-negotiable

Me - Is it one gang now or two seperate teams that are buddies ?
Killer - We're sharing the same colors, but we're two divisions of the same gang. It's kind of like this, we're like the Island part of the gang and they have the city.

Me - So who's in charge ?
Killer - Um... I'm in charge of the Goose gang section and he's in charge of the Nice guy section.

Wyatt Family, Making up for Lost Time

For a short time the Gulch had a reprieve from the wild lazery murders of the Wyatt Family's Dan (AKA Bray Wyatt). However he recently started up again ,and it seems he was making up for lost time. Continuing his campaign against the other gangs of Gulch, he set out attacking anyone carrying a gang flag.

However he soon encountered resistance from police and gang members. So he turned his lazer on them.

Fortunately he ran out of ammo and was stopped by civilians and police, but not before taking over 23 lives.

The Mayor Rescues a Hostage ?

Last Sunday, a mad green man carrying a sword found Panda Hero and Prime Turret in the abandoned warehouse. He then pulled out his sword and told the people they would be hostages.

Panda Hero was able to escape and tell the police, but Prime was trapped. To the surprise of everyone, the Mayor of all people stopped the crazed hobo and saved Prime.

Is this a sign of our Mayor changing his crazy ways ? Is he going to stop committing weird crimes and start fighting them ? Probably not, I'm sure within the week he'll be taking another hostage.

That's all from us at the Gulchtopian Gazette, Stay Crazy Gulchtopia.
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PostSubject: Gulchtopia Gazette Issue 22   Tue Jul 08, 2014 3:04 am

Blue Death Clan Takes Hold in Gulch

A clan has come around run by Mayor Nilloc. The clan is called Blue Death, and is actually a kind of rebirth of a clan that he ran back in the days before Gulch. While clans are not a new thing to the Gulch what with panda's clan and such, what sets this clan apart is that it's members actually get a weekly commission based on their rank in the clan. You read that last bit right folks, depending on the rank someone is in that clan they get a certain amount of Gulch money every week. Obviously this has attracted many citizens and not many say it's not just for the money. But before you start to think that this clan will pay for your next gun or house expansion, just know that not just anyone is let in.

Red Room Uses Deadly Force to Enforce "NO GANG FLAGS" Policy

Due to the rise of gang violence in the Gulch the Red Room's owner, Mayor Nilloc, had recently enacted a rule that flags of any kind are not permitted in or around his establishment. While that isn't too big of a deal, what is a big deal is how he's enacting the rule. The Mayor recently procured a Shotgun from his Nilloc Industries Armory and gave it to his bartenders telling them to shoot anyone who comes by the bar with a flag and to put their flag in the dumpster. While some citizens are outraged it appears that police are on board with this policy and they will look the other way while the hard working citizens of Gulch help deal with the gang menace that is plaguing the city.

Police Chief Yankee Schedules Regular Training Days

Those of you who criticized Temperary Police Chief Yankee can shut the hell up, because he has just scheduled the next police officer training since back when Undercast was chief. The date for the training has been listed as tomorrow. There are expected to be somewhere between five and ten aspiring cops to be showing up, and I think we all know what that means. That's right everyone ! Newbie cops fucking up a lot in the coming weeks !

Nilloc Industries Issues Massive Recall

Nilloc Industries scientists recently discovered that the special batteries they put in their patented Armor Abilities to make them last indefinitely causes extreme damage to the system which will result in the need to replace it every few months. To resolve this problem, Nilloc Industries recalled it's Armor Abilities line and gave owners replacement units that use a much more reliable battery that has to recharge for a short time after usage. Mayor Nilloc, CEO of Nilloc Industries had this to say :

"Our old armor abilities would become useless junk every few months with those old batteries. When you think about it from an economic standpoint, these new models are definitely the right choice for our customers."

That's all for us at the Gazette. Stay Crazy Gulchtopia.

Last edited by NILLOC on Wed Jul 09, 2014 4:29 pm; edited 1 time in total
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