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NILLOC
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PostSubject: Gulchtopian Gazette Issue 23   Tue Aug 19, 2014 3:31 pm

We're Back

Howdy readers, that's right the Gazette is back. For a while we closed down hoping someone else would take up the reins. Unfortunately, most of y'all are illiterate as fuck. So I'm going to go back to writing the news until someone else can come along.

Bray Wyatt puts his gang hunt on hold


Good news everyone, for the time being we don't have to worry about random people being lazered by Bray Wyatt. Why you ask ? Because he's decided to put his campaign to make us all follow the buzzards on hold so he can take the role as Police Chief. That's right, Bray Wyatt is now Police Chief, because Vicky was that bad at her job.

Fall of the Goose Gang


Recently the Goose Gang went back to war with the Nice Guy Club. This was due in part to the Nice Guy Club recruiting all manner of retards from Stupid Knob to EightBitKids into their half-assed gang. After being overwhelmed by the numbers, much like a spartan being bum-rushed by a thousand grunts, Gang Leader Killer passed the leadership of the gang to TacoOrBeef. Shortly after the gang was disbanded. A police officer we interviewed was quoted as saying "great, that's one down, one to go".

Worst Immigrant Rampage in Months Kills Many


Earlier this week, a boat with several immigrants docked at the Gulchtopian Dock. While this isn't out of the ordinary, what happened next was. Shortly after arriving in the city, a bartender by the name of ZombieGeek turned the immigrants away from the Evening Red bar, stating that "he didn't want them to stink up the place". 

The immigrants then ran off to the Taxi Falcon and asked to be taken somewhere. It is unknown what went on in the falcon, but onlookers were shocked when one of the immigrants climbed onto the cockpit of the falcon and ripped the driver out, forcing herself in, and then piloting the falcon to Pasha's house.

Fortunately the pilot survived and tried to stop the immigrants from stealing Pasha's stuff. Unfortunately, the pilot was ill-equipped to stop them and he ended up dying.  

The immigrants, armed with stolen weapons and armor abilities, sought asylum with the Nice Guy Club. The club then proceeded to hide these criminals from the police.

One cop though, while on patrol saw an immigrant in the window and decided to investigate further. An immigrant then came up behind him and stabbed him with an energy sword, but not before the officer could relay his findings to the other cops in the city. 

Sensing the impending swarm of police officers, two of the fugitive immigrants took off in the car of the officer they slayed. They were pursued by not just the police, but also a taxi pilot who was angered at the death of his fellow pilot.

The police were able to take out the driver of the warthog with a sniper. The passenger then bailed out and braced behind the warthog to prepare for a final stand. Before such a stand could be made however, the taxi landed behind him, and the pilot killed him.

One would think the incident was over, but it wasn't. One immigrant was still hiding out with the Nice Guy Club. The Police were set to storm the building and kill the immigrant. However, the Mayor insisted on using his Falcon to bring the immigrant to jail so she could be prosecuted and pay for the damage caused by her and her compatriots. 

The immigrant refused to board the falcon and was swiftly executed by the Police, then and there. 

Even still the incident wasn't over. In protest of the persecution and execution several immigrants stormed the bar. They attempted to kill the bartender. The Mayor was able to kill the immigrants though and save the day.


It RETURNS


Be warned citizens of Gulchtopia. A creature stalks the nights. He takes the lives of those found near or inside his cave. He is the most horrible monster Gulchtopia has ever seen. 
HE IS:
 

Immigrants Bring Zombie Virus to Gulchtopia


A recent boat of immigrants to Gulchtopia brought a disease that we thought eradicated in all of New Jackson. That disease was the Zombie Virus. A few days after the immigrants landed, Gulchtopia was in utter chaos. The Mayor and his guards flew in from his home, after blowing up the bridge to Alaska as well as blocking the tunnel for the Island. They then proceeded to evacuate civilians to the safe zones. 

As scattered groups of people started falling before the zombie hordes, the Mayor and his guards realized that there were nearly no more people to evacuate. So they fell back to the Apartment Building with their last evacuee, Curly Jefferson. 
They then held out until New Jackson soldiers were able to fly in and eliminate what was left of the infected. Now Gulchtopia is zombie free once more.


That's it from us at the Gazette, and from us to you, Stay Crazy Gulchtopia.
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PostSubject: Gulchtopian Gazette Issue 24   Tue Aug 26, 2014 8:08 pm

Mad Bomber Strikes Gulchtopia


Just a couple days ago, the ground shook and the Gulch echoed with the sounds of a loud explosion. This happened when a recently fired cop walked into his apartment. Little is known other than that the large bomb was planted in the former officer's apartment. Some are speculating that the assassination attempt and firing were because the officer had stumbled upon some sort of large conspiracy involving some of the higher ranking officers in the department. However, this is speculation and there is no solid evidence behind it. We tried to reach Police Chief Dan for comment but he declined. Hopefully this will be the last bombing for a long time.

Massive Transport Warthog Recall 

Automotive enthusiasts and stockholders alike were shocked when Nilloc Industries issued a recall for their most recent vehicle line, the "troop hog". Nilloc 916, president of Nilloc Industries, issued the following statement : 

"It has come to my attention that our 'TroopHog' vehicles are unsafe. Apparently the rear passenger seats don't have adequate safety belts and other precautions to prevent passengers from being launched from the vehicle above speeds of 45mph. It is for that reason that I am issuing a recall for all 'Troop Hog' vehicles and announcing that we are discontinuing the vehicle"

Nilloc then went on to state that owners of the "troophog" will have a regular LAAV Warthog provided as a replacement for their current vehicle. It is unknown what effect the turret mounted vehicles will have on the safety of our city.

That's it from all of us at the Gazette, and from us to you, stay crazy Gulchtopia.
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PostSubject: Gulchtopia Gazette Issue 25   Tue Sep 02, 2014 4:20 pm

Corrupt Detective Receives Justice

Disgraced Ex-Cop, CodeMiniCJ has been going around the city playing detective. After numerous instances of him forgoing the law and harassing citizens, one citizen took him to court over it. ZombieGeek (AKA Nate) brought Code to court on numerous counts of assault and murder. Code's lawyer was his husband MaybeIJust. The court case was short and consisted mostly of Maybe blundering about making half points and asking witnesses irrelevant questions. Nate's lawyer however was able to convince the Jury to convict Code on all charges. He was sentenced to 15 minutes in jail which he promptly served. This just goes to show that not everyone can be lawyers, and citizens should let the police handle the policing.

Purple Drank Returning to Gulch

My fellow citizens, it appears that purple drank is making it's return to the Gulch. Police have recently apprehended several dealers who were selling the drug without finding any leads on who's supplying them. It is rumored however that the Nice Guy Club may be involved.

The Tunnel Massacre 

The disgraced ex-cop CodeMiniCJ is in the news again everyone. This time for a massacre him and his husband MaybeIJust were involved in. Inside the Zombie Wall Memorial Tunnel, several citizens fled from MaybeIJust and CodeMiniCJ as they opened fire with assault weapons. After 4 citizens were killed, the couple fled, but not before destroying one of the vehicles in the tunnel to make the murders appear as a random vehicle malfunction. The bloodshed didn't end then however. With the aid of an unknown accomplice, Code and Maybe killed a police officer and three additional citizens at the beach near Panda's house. Before the criminals could kill panda, he was able to incapacitate Maybe. Panda himself was then shot, Maybe and Panda remain in critical condition at the hospital and Code is still at large.

Standoff at the Mayor's House

After his latest stint in jail, the Mayor decided to play a little prank. He stole the police flag from the police station. Citizens described him speeding down the road in the passenger seat of a warthog screaming "eat a dick cops, I got your flag". A short time later the police showed up to the Mayors house and tried to take the flag by force. After a bloody gunfight the flag was sold back to the police for a single Gulchmark.

That's all from us at the Gazette, and from us to you, Stay Crazy Gulchtopia
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PostSubject: Gulchtopian Gazette Issue 26   Tue Sep 09, 2014 5:59 pm

Massive Deportations Across Gulchtopia


Over the last week several dissidents were deported from Gulchtopia. These people were known criminals who were plotting terrorist actions against the New Jacksonian government. These people included : 

- PandaFear (aka Alahub Mohammad Bomber guy)
- InsaneSoul (aka Spider)
- SilentFox (aka That other annoying silent person)
- BlazingFire (aka whiney bitch guy)

When asked about the reason for the mass deportations the mayor had this to say : "We are going to see an influx of immigrants soon. The last thing we need in our city is shitty terrorists. We need to make room in our city for good, decent folks"

It sure looks like Gulchtopia's future is bright, especially with the scum that plagued the past forced out.

Purple Drank Ring Brought Down


Police recently brought down a purple drank smuggling ring. It all started when Scott "The Fish" Castaletti and his wife Vicky Castaletti tried to distract a cop while an unknowing accomplice of theirs, a man named Gary, brought a container of purple drank into the city.

 According to Gary's official police testimony, he was misled to believe the container was "an elaborate radio". A short time later, a police officer by the name of TacoMonster tried to arrest the purple drank smugglers. It was at that time that he was severely beaten by Scott Castaletti.

Thankfully, the Mayor and two police officers arrived on the scene and were able to arrest all 3 members of this purple drank ring. A trial was set for the following game. The 3 criminals, nicknamed "The Purple 3" tried to defend themselves to no avail. The trial resulted in Undercast and Vicky being fined g500 each, while Gary's charges were dropped as he was just an accidental accomplice. Some are speculating that the Castalettis may have been the ones that have been supplying local Purple Drank dealers, but this was unable to be determined, however it is highly likely. One thing is for sure, the Castaletti's purple drank operation has been set back quite a bit.

Mayor Announces new Gulchtopian holiday


The Mayor recently announced a new holiday. The holiday is being called "VE" or "Victory Elites" day. The holiday will celebrate the annihilation of elites in the most recent elite holocaust, bringing an end to years of conflict. Citizens are all excited about this holiday, one elite lover was quoted as saying this :
"I.... well.... um... oh my god.... I would normally say 'my god why' but after reading up on the history of this city I am looking forwards to celebrating, all elites should die"

Our own chief of police was quoted as saying this: "I find it funny, you want to hear my personal opinion, there it is. I find it fucking hilarious. Bray Wyatt will relish in the slaughter, follow the buzzards"

The holiday was announced to be set on Saturday, September 20th. That's a little under two weekends from now. The mayor also stated that on the day there will be festivities including fireworks and fun games. It sure is looking to be as great a holiday as GulchDay or Gulchtopian Christmas.
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PostSubject: Gulchtopian Gazette Issue 27   Tue Sep 16, 2014 4:32 pm

No big news !


This is the slowest news week Gulchtopia has ever had. Apperantly almost all the citizens of Gulchtopia have become addicted to a weird videogame that is a cross between the top shooter "Space Shooter" and the shooter/rpg "Border territory". It is unsure how long this fad will go on, but the Mayor has been quoted as saying "it's just not as fun going around the city in my fancy car without poor people gaping at it. So, I am relaxing immigration restrictions so we have more poor people"
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PostSubject: Gulchtopian Gazette Issue 28   Tue Sep 23, 2014 4:07 pm

Zombie Wall makes a return

According to a press release from the Mayor, zombies have infested the Island off the coast of Gulchtopia once again. It is unknown how they arrived however several theories have sprouted. Some have claimed that Purple Drank production runoff leaked into the ocean reanimating the bodies of dumb asses who fell off the mountains. While others claim that Nilloc Industries made the zombies to get rid of all the beach front property in the Gulch and drive up the pricing of such housing. 

When confronted with these theories the mayor had this to say :

"Oh yeah, I dumped zombies on the island. Thus ruining the view from my mountain top home. Y'all caught me.... by the way, that was sarcasm. Those theories are dumb as shit. Hell, it was probably elite terrorists who snuck their way past our border checkpoints"

While it is unsure how the zombies have gotten onto the island, this much is sure. The wall is back and citizens are now forbidden from venturing beyond it or on top of the Alaska and Montana cliffs. 

Massive Reform in the Legal Sector


Massive reforms have shook up the Police department, and all of Gulchtopia. Yesterday, the Mayor passed an ordinance abolishing several laws including the law against speeding in the city. The Mayor also abolished some police regulations including the one restricting cop's use of lethal force. When asked why the Mayor had this to say :

"Well, we all are in a hurry from time to time and as long as nobody gets hit I don't see why people can't speed in the city. Now as for the police thing, there was a good reason for that. Recently criminals have been taking advantage of the rules restricting the use of lethal force. They use that slight advantage to kill officers and get away with crimes. Yes, cops shouldn't be able to kill people needlessly, and if it does happen those officers will be dealt with. But the officers can't do their job if they aren't able to handle deadly criminals until it's too late. I stand by these reforms and ask critics to try and prove me wrong."

Abend Rot bar changed back to a strip club


Over the last few weeks the Abend Rot bar underwent a change where it was transformed into a nice classy joint with a piano. However, as we all know, the majority of people in Gulcthopia aren't classy. Seeing this, Nilloc decided to ditch the piano and change it out with a stripper pole. Now ex-Police Sargent Vicky puts on shows for the entertainment of the bar's patrons. However, it should be noted that she is carrying a shotgun. So don't get grabby, unless you're willing to pay extra for some "dumpster fun time".
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PostSubject: Gulchtopia Gazette Issue 29   Tue Sep 30, 2014 7:58 pm

Police Officers caught funcking around, literally

Recently the Abend Rot bar, run by Mayor Nilloc, has been allowing customers to take their stripper out back in the dumpster (for an additional fee) for more personal service. Customers seemed to be liking it and the employees didn't mind. This last Saturday however, was a different story. 

Both of the police officers who were on duty, Daddy Yankee and another cop who wishes to be anonymous, were caught on multiple occasions partaking in the Abend Rot's newest deal. The officers, caught white handed, were assaulted by angered civilians. One of the assailants, who wishes to remain anonymous, had this to say: "It's bull shit, they get paid g100 a game and instead of doing their jobs they're fucking hookers" 

The police chief has already stated that the officers are being reprimanded and have been demoted as well as having their pay cut. It is unknown if the cops will be fired or if actions like this are enough of a warning for cops who want to ditch work for cheap thrills.

Zombie Infection Scare Terrorizes Gulch.


The entire Gulch was in a panic when two citizens ventured over the Alaska mountains and broke the quarantine meant to prevent citizens from being infected by the zombie virus. Thankfully, the citizens made it back over the mountain and turned themselves in to authorities. They were promptly quarantined inside an empty jail cell until tests could determine if they were infected or not. 

The police were concerned when one of the citizens, who previously confessed to climbing down Alaska onto the island itself, started exhibiting symptoms of infection. However, the tests came back to show that neither person had any trace of the zombie virus inside them. As for the person who was exhibiting symptoms, it was determined that he was simply suffering from Quisling syndrome. For those of you who don't know, Quisling syndrome is a condition where a person who was traumatized by experiences with zombies starts to believe they're infected, down to a point where what was once a person is a zombie in every way except biologically. 

New Police Chief shakes up administration.

While not technically new, returning police chief Overcast Pasha has brought many new ideas to the police force, revitalizing a department overcome with corruption and incompetence. After assuming the role of Police Chief, Pasha implemented several reforms including the following:

Re-institution of the Reckless Driving Ban: Meaning that once again people can't speed around the city and hit people accidentally. 

New, Rookie Rank in the police department: A lower ranking that all officers have been demoted to, and that all future cops will start out at. Officers who are in this role start off with lower pay and responsibilities, having to work their way up to the big bucks.

Restrictions added on what cops can't do on-duty: The ban on cops drinking has always been a thing, but cops now can't visit hookers as well. 

That's all from us at the Gazette, and from us to you, stay crazy Gulchtopia.
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PostSubject: Gulchtopia Gazette, Issue #30   Mon Oct 06, 2014 7:19 pm

This week in Gulch:

Alleged Police Brutality Causes Uproar

Pandemonium struck town square this week when an escaped convict and an innocent bystander were both found dead at a local residence. Witnesses claimed that the police had gunned down the civilian without cause, and then proceeded to kill the convict, causing many Gulchtopian residents to accuse the police of using unjustified brutality. In an official statement however, police officials told reporters that the convict had shot the civilian before turning the gun on himself. This statement unfortunately did not satisfy Gulchtopians, who took to the streets shortly after, protesting and waving flags, calling for an end to police brutality. What started as a non-violent protest turned into an all-out riot however, when local mad-man Nate Zimmerman gunned down the protest leader, John Everyman. Police did their best to quell the violence and minimize damage, but the riots persisted for several minutes, leaving three dead, and several injured. When asked about what many are calling “the Zimmerman Riots,” Police Chief Pasha refused to comment. The Mayor has yet to make any official statement on the matter, but he did tell reporters this weekend that “the cops need to calm their tits and only shoot the bad guys. Boom boom,” and that his heart goes out to the victims of this tragedy.

Local Vagrant Hangout Finally Getting Make-Over Drug Dealers Always Wanted

Gulchtopians rejoiced this week, when Mayor Nilloc announced that the nasty abandoned warehouse by the bar, a popular hangout spot for drug dealers and murderers alike, was finally getting the make-over drug addicts had been petitioning for. “I’m sick of having to go to that disgusting warehouse every time I want to shoot up,” a local drug addict told reporters, “I buy my Purple Drank, shoot up, and as soon as I start getting a buzz I just look around and BOOM – my buzz is gone. And that just ain’t right.” Many local vagrants had been complaining at the unsightly state the warehouse was in, requesting a cleaner, safer environment in which to commit felonies. The Mayor also stated that, in addition to being torn down, the warehouse district of the city would be replaced with a much nicer, more open city for criminals to shoot up, including a new church dedicated to worshiping the gods of the Gulchtopian pantheon, Gulchism. “Finally, when I mug some old lady for her purse, I won’t feel like just some back-alley mugger in the ghetto,” local Purple Drank dealer Undercast said, “I’ll feel like I’m making a difference in my community.” We at the Gulchtopia Gazette sat down with Undercast for a full interview. Here’s what he had to say:

Gulchtopia Gazette: So what are your thoughts about the Mayor’s decision?
Undercast: It’s just nice to be heard you know? We druggies have been asking for this for a long time, and we’re really happy to know that the Mayor does listen after all. Even if it does take some time, it’s great to have such a caring mayor that really understands our plight, and is doing what he can to make our lives easier.

When asked to comment, the Mayor had this to say: “Rocky is love, Rocky is life.”

In Other News:

Popular New Exercise Equipment Tells Users They Ran 5 Miles a Day No Matter What
     With more than 1 million units sold within its first month of release, the ProMLG Treadmill has become one of Gulchtopia’s most popular exercise tools by informing the user they ran five miles each day no matter what. “With the ProMLG Treadmill, achieving your exercise goals is as simple as turning it on in the morning and being told you’ve already run five miles,” ProMLG spokeman Norm Hall said while demonstrating.

Recent Study Suggests Office-Based Wolf Attacks Are Down 100%
     After gathering a year’s worth of data, local researchers concluded that they had nothing better to do than to research some bullshit. One of the researchers told reporters that this data indicates that rates of bullshit are down 100%, thus causing experts to wonder if this bullshit even happens.

World’s Last British Monarch Admits Sun Does In Fact Set
     After hundreds of years of denying that the sun ever sets on Britain, the world’s last British monarch told reporters today that after a lifetime’s worth of research and study, she did find that the sun does in fact set.

Mayor’s Favorite Hat Returns to Public Life Two Years After Assassination Attempt
     After two years of living in seclusion after an assassination attempt by a local disgruntled Moa failed, the Mayor’s favorite hat announced today that it would be returning to public life. Many experts claim that it is yet unsafe for the Mayer’s hat, as the memory of the assassination may still be fresh in Moa’s minds. Reporters attempted to get a statement from the hat, but it refused to comment.
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PostSubject: The Gulchtopian Worker: Issue #1   Fri Oct 17, 2014 1:08 pm

Khoroshiy denek comrades. Welcome to the first issue of Gulchtopia's newest news publication. The Gulcthopian Worker. The voice of the people! A lot has happened this week, and our leader, Commissar Nilloc has deemed it appropriate to inform the people.

Ministry that Loves you

The former Mayor, and now Commissar Nilloc has created the Ministry of Peace. This ministry (which is run by Commissar Nilloc) was created to oversee the continued safety and order in Gulchtopia. The ministry now handles all matters regarding Law and Order. Everything maintaining a police force to managing all the courts. When we asked how citizens should respond to the new ministry, the Commissar had this to say: 

"Citizens should be ecstatic about this new ministry. Our sole purpose to ensure the city is full of peace, something that have been severely lacking recently. We will maintain order at all costs. It's like I always say, it's worth it for 100 innocent people to be punished as long as it results in 1 guilty person being brought to justice. Glory to Gulchtopia"
~ Commissar Nilloc


Some enemies of the state have spoken out saying that the extreme relaxation of Police regulations could cause corruption. However, the Commissar refuted this half-assed verbal assault on the state:

"There is no Corruption. Glory to Gulchtopia"
~ Commissar Nilloc



Religious Reform Returns Sanctity of Marriage 

The great Commissar Nilloc passed a law requiring all peoples living in a home together to enter into a personal union, and to sanctify their union before Rocky. It was said that any couples that don't sanctify their union by the end of the month will face steep penalties and possible imprisonment. In addition to their union being dissolved. When asked for comment, the Commissar had this to say:

"For too long our nation has turned it's back on god. The decadent behavior of our citizens, including the sharing of homes without a sanctified union is just disciple. It is high time we reform these corrupted laws and make our city pure again. Glory to Gulchtopia"  
~ Commissar Nilloc

Ghost of Gulchtopia Makes a Return?

Citizens have been spotting the fabled Ghost of Gulchtopia at night all around the city. People are shocked by the appearance of the apparition that hasn't been seen in our city for years. In addition to walking around the city, some claim that the ghost has actually killed some citizens. One person had this to say:

"Ok right, so I was just walking out of the bar when I saw this nigga walking down the street. Right ? When all of a sudden, this see-through white motherfucka came out of nowhere and stabbed him. I think he yelled 'get wrekt fagget' but I don't know. Shit was 2spoopy5me"
~ Some dumbass off the street

It is unsure what the potential return of this specter means for the Gulch. However, according to the old legends of the creature it is advised to avoid the ghost and not try to fight it. Fighting it just causes yourself to be haunted. The apparition will apparently then curse your house, fucking with furniture and repeatedly assaulting you.

That's it from us at the Gulchtopian Worker. Glory to Gulchtopia comrades
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PostSubject: The Gulchtopia Gazette Issue #31 ~ Decision 2015 Edition!   Sun May 03, 2015 10:33 pm



~The Gulchtopia Gazette~
The News, According to Us

Decision 2015 Edition!






   The Results are in! ~

           Ladies & Gentlemen of Gulchtopia, the polls are closed, the votes are counted, and the results are in. It was an epic race between Gdawgz and Undercast, while Pasha maintained a wide lead throughout the race, but the dust has begun to settle, and here are the results...

For the office of Business Representative on the City Council, with 9 votes, Gdawgz wins!

For the office of Citizen Representative on the City Council, with 8 votes, Overcast Pasha wins!

Congratulations to the winners on achieving an historic victory! And Congratulations to all candidates for doing their best. Gulchtopians everywhere rejoice at this momentus occasion.

Come back later this week as we go more in-depth with the election results, and cover the resignation of one of Gulchtopia's longest running police chiefs. Until next time, goodnight Gulchtopia.




===================
~Gulchtopia Gazette~
      ~News Editor-in-Chief~

         "The world is indeed comic, but the joke is on mankind."
     ~ H.P. Lovecraft
===================
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PostSubject: Gulchtopia Gazette ~ Issue #32   Sat May 09, 2015 11:52 pm



~The Gulchtopia Gazette~
The News, According to Us





Police Chief Steps down, A New Challenger Steps In
Written by Avery Jheuburner


       GULCHTOPIA, JA-- Reporters were shocked this week when local long-time Police Chief Overcast Pasha announced that he would be stepping down from his post and resigning as Gulchtopia's Chief of Police.
       "My Fellow Gulchtopians," Pasha told reporters on Sunday, "Yes, I have given it considerable consideration, and I believe that it is prudent now to step down as Gulchtopia's Chief of Police. I wish to focus on more personal matters, and I have the highest confidence in my replacement. That is all."
       When asked about the identity of his replacement, the former Police Chief revealed that his replacement was none other than former Chief of Police and current News Editor-In-Chief, Avery Jheuburner. Avery Jheuburner was Gulchtopia's first and longest-running Chief of Police, until numerous accounts of drinking while on duty, combined with previous misconduct reports, forced him to resign.
       Avery Jheuburner currently resides in his estate in the Mountain city of Mountaintopia, and will be returning to the Gulch later this month, Mountaintopia sources claim.




A Few Bad Liars and My Cousin Gdawgz
Wirtten by Avery Jheuburner


       GULCHTOPIA COURTHOUSE, JA-- Gulchtopians rejoiced this week when the long awaited trial for the accused "Tiki Bar Terrorists" Dan "The Eater of Worlds" Bin-Laden, Shamas "The Mexican" Gonzales, and Cut "Split-lip" Jong-Il, as well as their alleged accomplice, local business owner Gdawgz finally commenced and a sentence was given, Courthouse sources say. The three were charged with several accounts of murder, terrorism, conspiracy to commit terrorism, and worst of all, destruction of property, while Gdawgz was charged with aiding the terrorists.
       The trial did not last very long as former Police Chief Overcast Pasha presented evidence after evidence, and the four could do little to defend themselves.
       inevitably, the defendants failed to make a case for themselves, and the court ruled the verdict guilty. The three terrorists were sentenced to hang while Gdawgz was fined heavily. Many questioned this decision, arguing that Gdawgz deserved the same punishment, but the Mayor disagreed.
       "This is the right decision," He told reporters on Friday, "Gdawgz' crimes were much less severe than his cohorts, and thus he deserves a lesser sentence." We at the Gazette believe this trial highlights the swiftness and justness of our fair Mayor.





In other news...



Goose Gang Graces Gulchtopia... Again!
       Some Gulchtopians may remember the old Goose Gang that would drive mongooses through the Gulch and terrorize citizens. Thanks to the work of a local vagrant named Gary, the old Goose Gang is back and scarier than ever. For now, the Goose Gang seems to be using their large stash of weapons and money to carry out assassinations, though it's rumoured that they could be branching out into other forms of skullduggery in the near future, sources say.

Mayor Gives Police Discount to Boost Morale
       The Mayor, in conjunction with new Police Chief Avery Jheuburner, announced this weekend that he would be giving a discount of 25% to Police on all weapons and a 10% discount on everything else. The Mayor hopes that this will improve morale of officers on duty. The Mayor went on to say that cops who are deemed "good cops" will get the discount while other cops won't.

New Poll Finds 74% of Gulchtopians Comfortable With Blaming New Council Members For Problems
       In a shocking change of opinion from just a generation ago, a new poll suggests that 74% of Gulchtopians feel comfortable with blaming all of the problems they face on a daily basis on the newly elected City Council members. "According to our latest survey, nearly three quarters of Gulchtopians say they'd be willing to saddle the new City Council with all of their problems, from a rising immigrant population, to the crippling depression of their dead-end job," said lead researcher Dave Johnson.
       "Yeah, I think I'd be totally okay with blaming my staff infection I got from stepping on a nail this morning on the new City Council members," local everyman Ron Domgye told reporters on Saturday, "I mean, I vote for this guy Gdawgz, and then the water fountain in the park gives me E. Coli? What the hell!"





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===================
~Gulchtopia Gazette~
      ~News Editor-in-Chief~

         "The world is indeed comic, but the joke is on mankind."
     ~ H.P. Lovecraft
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PostSubject: The Gulchtopia Gazette ~ Issue #33   Mon May 18, 2015 12:12 am



~The Gulchtopia Gazette~
The News, According to Us





Law Men Come to Town, They're Here to Take Our Guns
Written by Avery Jheuburner


         TOWN HALL, GULCHTOPIA, JA-- Following a meeting between the newly elected City Council members, the Mayor announced on Thursday that new laws would take effect this week aimed at reducing gun-related crime.
        Many of the new laws are reforms for the crime & punishment system, some of which give police the power to fine individuals who commit supplementary crime, such as driving recklessly, violating the New Life Rule, and resisting arrest.
        These new laws also came with flurry of new regulations for weapons, classifying them in three categories: Class 1 weapons, which can be wielded with any other class 1 or class 2 weapon, as long as the weakest class 1 weapon is the only one out; Class 2 weapons, which can only be wielded with class 1 weapons; and Class 3 weapons, which can only be wielded with a plasma pistol, and must remain holstered at all times. Council members also have the power to repossess a citizen's weapons by vote without refund, and the Chief of Police may confiscate a criminal's weapons, and set a fine for them to be reclaimed.
        All of these new laws and regulations, the City Council and Mayor have stated, are all intended to decrease the amount of gun-related petty crimes. "These new laws may seem harsh," the Mayor told reporters on Thursday, "but I can assure Gulchtopians that they are in their best interests. That is all."




Elite Border Skirmish Goes a Bridge Too Far
Written by Avery Jheuburner


         NEW JACKSON, JA-- Tensions are high in the capital this week, when an attack on the Blue Death Head Quarters at the New Jackson/Sangheili border was carried out by an unknown group of Elites on Friday. The Blue Death forces, valiantly lead by our very own Mayor, were able to repel the 80 Elite attackers, though they suffered a total of 37 casualties due to the attack being a complete surprise.


Elite Forces charge accross the Blue Death Airfield


Blue Death Soldiers are pushed back into the compound by the alien attackers


The Mayor aids a daring attempt to hold off the invading Elites from pushing any further


After hours of fighting, the remaining Elite forces are annihilated, and New Jackson forces reclaim the base, but at the cost of 37 lives.


          The Sangheili government issued a formal apology shortly after, claiming no affiliation with the attack or the attackers, stating that they were local extremists and that this was an isolated incident of unchecked tensions along the border. Despite this, the President of New Jackson told reporters in an official statement that he would be launching a full investigation, and that "New Jackson will not rest until we have justice for the 37."
         The total cost of the damages sustained to the facility in the attack are an estimated g150,000




In Other News...



Local Police Department Begins Keeping Records
         MOUNTAINTOPIA, JA-- Local Police Chief, Avery Jheuburner, told reporters on Thursday that he has begun keeping a record of all Gulchtopian's criminal activities, and convictions. He then issued an order to all police officers to use the goddamn crime report form posted on official police channels. He went on to say that Police who do not submit criminal reports will not be considered "good cops," which will cause them to receive less pay and have less power while on duty.

Gdawgz Has a Brand New Bus
         GULCHTOPIA, JA-- Local business owner and council member Gdawgz has recently traded in his taxi for a bus, bus sources confirm. "The thing about busses is that they can transport more people," the transport tycoon told reporters on Sunday, "and more people means more money! heheh... Uh, and, also, safer, uh, it's much, much safer, too, safety's a top... top priority. Yeah."

Local Mother Can't Find School That Focuses Exclusively on Her Child
         GULCHTOPIA, JA-- Frustrated with the abundance of choices that meet her increadibly high standards, area mother Jill Swanson confirmed on Saturday that she was still looking for a school that would focus exclusively on her child. "I've been searching for months, but it's just so difficult to find a program that devotes all of its time an resources on my child, and only my child," said Jill, who added that a shocking number of preschools in the area employed teachers who divide their attention between more than one student instead of dedicating all their time to the education, care, and positive mental stimulation of her extra special snowflake.




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Swords are for the Rich

Nilloc, Pasha, Nate, you know what these people have in common? They're all rich! You know what else? They all have swords! Swords are the one symbol of one's wealth that all rich people should have! They are perfect for all the following reasons

1) They're Flashy
2) They're stylish
3) They cut even shielded people down without fail

So remember the next time you think you're rich,



===================
~Gulchtopia Gazette~
      ~News Editor-in-Chief~

         "The world is indeed comic, but the joke is on mankind."
     ~ H.P. Lovecraft
===================
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PostSubject: The Gulchtopia Gazette ~ Issue #34   Sun Jun 28, 2015 8:06 pm



~The Gulchtopia Gazette~
The News, According to Us





New Jackson Forms Anti-Elite Coalition, Elite Sympathizers Entrenched
Written by Avery Jheuburner


       NEW JACKSON, JA-- Reporters were shocked this week, when President Jackson announced a New Jackson lead coalition against Elite forces, following a summit held by the Sangheili government in an attempt to ease tensions between them and the Installation 03 nations, New Jackson sources report.
       "New Jackson is a serious nation," President Jackson told reporters on Sunday, "and as a serious nation, it is our duty to stand up to these squid-back split-lips trying to ruin our country! That is why we have formed the N7 coalition, consisting of seven other ring nations, all equipped with nuclear weapons ready to defend our rights!" Not all ring nations agree with the president, however, as nations that may have had elite leanings or were otherwise neutral are now fully entrenched in the pro-elite camp, pledging to protect them should the N7 coalition commit to an act of aggression, calling themselves the Splitjaw Pact.
       Ever since the New Jackson Civil War ended, New Jackson has been governed by an anti-elite regime, resulting in a majority of the elite population in New Jackson either leaving or being deported. This has caused significant tension along the border with the Elite controlled territories of Installation 03, which culminated in the recent attack on the Blue Death base by Elite terrorists.
       Many Experts say they are certain that this will lead to full-scale nuclear war along the ring and advise that investing in nuclear fallout shelters is a smart move. They go on to say that those doing everything they can to prepare for the worst are on the right track.





CollinTech Prepares you for the Future with Personal Bunkers
Written by Avery Jheuburner


       GULCHTOPIA, JA-- Following much of the "Elite War" hysteria, CollinTech®, a subsidiary of Nilloc Industries©, unveiled their new line of customized fallout shelters called Personal Bunkers™, industry sources confirmed on Wednesday. The new line of Personal Bunkers™ promises to be safe, spacious, and affordable, and include all of the amenities of everyday life.
       This announcement has pleased shareholders, and confirms rumors circulating about CollinTech's secret 4-year project. Many skeptics, however, have called the company's project into question, claiming that they couldn't have had the foresight to develop fallout shelters 4 years ago, when the threat of nuclear annihilation has only existed for six days. CollinTech executives have dismissed this claim as "stupid."
       With the mass hysteria surrounding the potential nuclear war, many experts say that now is the time to invest in CollinTech's Personal Bunker™ technology, urging that all New Jackson cities must prepare for the future.





In other News...


Stocks Soar for Nilloc Industries
       NEW JACKSON STOCK EXCHANGE, JA-- With the massive success of CollinTech, and their International Nuclear Arms Exchange, Nilloc Industries is reporting record profits, prompting the Nilloc Industrial Stock Index to soar up to over 90,000 points - the highest in the company's history. Shareholder confidence is at an all-time high, and the company's profits continue to rise as this article is being written. When commenting on the company's success during a press briefing, CEO Nilloc had this to say; "Fuck yeah niggers, dosh time!"
       The market has become so saturated however, that many of Nilloc Industries' top competitors, such as BOOM Enterprises, have begun shutting down their New Jackson factories, and withdrawn themselves from the New Jackson Stock Exchange, resulting in even great saturation by Nilloc Industries, which many skeptics claim has now become a monopoly. Nilloc Industries executives responded to this claim by saying "Who cares? It's not like we price gouge. It's not our fault the competition sucks."

Creation Scientists Refute Gravity with New Theory of 'Intelligent Falling'
       MOUNTAINTOPIA, JA-- As the debate over the teaching of basic common sense in public schools continues, a new controversy over the science curriculum arose Monday in this embattled mountainside town. 'Scientists' from the Evangelical Faith Center For Circle-Based Reasoning are now asserting that the long-held "theory of gravity" is flawed, and they have responded to it with a new theory they call 'Intelligent Falling'.
       "Things fall not because they are acted upon by some gravitational force, but because a higher intelligence, 'God' if you will, is pushing them down," said Gabriel Burdett, head researcher for Cirular Reasoning ltd.
       According to the ECFR paper published simultaneously this week in the International Journal Of Science and the adolescent magazine God's Word For Teens!, there are many phenomena that cannot be explained by secular gravity alone, including such mysteries as how angels fly, how Jesus ascended into Heaven, and how Satan fell when cast out of Paradise.





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===================
~Gulchtopia Gazette~
      ~News Editor-in-Chief~

         "The world is indeed comic, but the joke is on mankind."
     ~ H.P. Lovecraft
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PostSubject: Gulchtopia News Archive   Tue Jun 30, 2015 12:34 am

All Gulchtopia News articles will be merged and archived here.

===================
~Gulchtopia Gazette~
      ~News Editor-in-Chief~

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     ~ H.P. Lovecraft
===================
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