You either die a homeless bum or live long enough to see yourself become a rich dick that kills homeless bums.
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 Gulchtopia Gazette Issue (1/17/16)

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The Mayor

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PostSubject: Gulchtopia Gazette Issue (1/17/16)   Gulchtopia Gazette Issue (1/17/16) I_icon_minitimeMon Jan 18, 2016 1:34 am

Murderer storms Montana Hights

It is reported that on the 15th of January, an unknown assailant stormed the Montana Hights Gated Community. According to the Official Report by the Mayor, this person snuck past one of the guards who was occupied by a civilian asking them "A stupid ass question" After getting past the guard, the criminal broke into one of the homes and stole a sniper rifle, which he used to kill the guard. 

Once he killed the guard, it seems he broke into the Mayor's home and took his helicopter. Unfortunately, the Mayor was busy with a matter in the city or the situation would have been resolved sooner. Thankfully, the Mayor quickly found out about he incident and just happened to be carrying his rocket launcher. With the rocket launcher he was able to down the helicopter before it did a strafing run on the city, which appears to be what the criminal was planning. 

It is unknown still the identity of this criminal because his body fell into the Ocean. According to the Mayor's official statement, "It was probably some filthy fucking immigrant. Those fucks are everywhere and always starting shit". Even if it wasn't an immigrant, whoever caused the problem hasn't made enough waves to be missed. 

Mayor's Guard adopts injured bumfighter

Recently bumfighting has made a resurgence in the Gulch. It is believed this has been caused by a massive influx of immigrants to this beloved city. Whatever the cause, it led to one immigrant, a young man going only by "MythicWolf" to enter our city and take up bumfighting. Early in this fighter's career he was doing well, however he was injured in one fight that heavily damaged his vocal cords to the point he can no longer speak. 

Upon hearing of the plight of MythicWolf, one of the Mayor's guards, Taco, took it upon himself to help care for the immigrant. He helped the immigrant finish his citizenship papers and later legally adopted him as his son. Taco couldn't be reached for comment but it is rumored that he is funding the former immigrant's training so he can become a better bumfighter. 

Priest shakes up Bumfighting

Yet another bumfighting story of interest happened in our city this week. On the 16th, the "reigning bumfighting champion" was a furfag by the name of SilentWolf. He claimed this title after 5 undefeated battles, mostly against lesser bums. Once he won against an accomplished bumfigher, MythicWolf, Silent began going around the city chatting shit and saying he could take anyone on. 

Many people were tired of SilentWolf's bullshit, but one person stepped up and challenged him. This person was our own local Priest in the church of Rocky, SentryBloody. The fight between SentryBloody and SilentWolf was the latest in a series of bumfights that had drawn hundreds of Gulchmarks in bets, and most of the bets were on SilentWolf to win. 

It seems though that the power of Rocky being on the Priest's side was enough to secure him victory. He quickly defeated SilentWolf and almost immediately after Silent's coach, Gary, abandoned him to take a new client. This just goes to show that when you chat shit, you get hit... a lot.
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Gulchtopia Gazette Issue (1/17/16)
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