Flag Thief Foiled by Concerned Citizen
On Friday a flag thief tried to evade justice after stealing the Mayor's Flag. Thankfully the concerned citizen CutaneousNut tipped off the Mayor about the location of this criminal. The Mayor quickly subdued the criminal and retrieved the flag. Unfortunately, the criminal had friends who put a target on Cutaneous' back. For a time Cut was kept at the police station but it was deemed unsafe. The Mayor took it upon himself to take Cut to a safehouse outside of town.
What ensued was a chase where a warthog driven by the Mayor was dodging banshee bombs and avoiding cannon fire. Before Cut was able to enter the safehouse though a banshee landed and a criminal exited trying to kill Cut. Cut was thankfully able to bash his head in with a hammer and save himself. For now it seems Cut is safe and able to avoid getting killed for doing the right thing.
Crooked Cop Gets Tied Up With Assassins
Many citizens of Gulchtopia know of the recent feud between MythicWolf and Police Officer Centurion Wrath, AKA Swayzee. Mythic has recently become aggravated with Swayzee's behavior and began sending him threatening messages. Us at the Gazette have gone over the messages and they are quite disturbing.
From what our reporters can gather, the Mayor overheard the Swayzee talking with an assassin. He offered the assassin 300 Gulchmarks to kill MythicWolf. The assassin then tried to kill Mythic, but only severely injured him. The assassin then went to Swayzee's apartment to confirm that he finished the contract and collect his money. At this time, the Mayor burst in and arrested the two men.
Mayor Steals ALL THE SPAGHETTI
So uh.... this is something none of us at the Gazette expected to report. On Saturday the Mayor ran into the restaurant, stole all their spaghetti and then ran out screaming "NYAHAHAHAH I HAVE STOLEN ALL THE SPAGHETTIIIII". He then proceed to shoot his way out and kill the restaurant worker as well as a couple cops. He drove away and hid out somewhere the police couldn't find him until the statute of limitations wore out.
New Police Chief Reforms Hiring Practices
New Police Chief Virus has enacted several new practices involved with hiring new cops. Here we had an interview.
Nilloc: Why did you decide to go through with these reforms
TPV: Uhm... I guess it was really a proper way to list the officer's rank and such. and there wasn't really a way of listing the rules to be a cop. Because most of our cops would go around killing people for punching them once. It's really unfair to the civilians. There needs to be a better way to enforce that, so that'll be my duty too.
Nilloc: How do you plan to enforce these rules?
TPV: Well, I don't really have a plan for it yet. But I was thinking that. I'l probably have a lieutenant help me with this. Instruct the cops from time to time, just get the basic rules in their head.
Nilloc: What will happen to a cop that doesn't follow the rules?
TPV: I'd usually just give them warnings. But if they keep breaking the rules and not following my orders they'll just get fired. Because if they can't follow the simple rules they don't have what it takes to be a cop.
That's it for all of us at the Gazette. From all of us to you, Stay Crazy Gulchtopia.