President Gets Wrapped up in Criminal Ring
This last Sunday in Gulchtopia, President Jackson visited our town. Almost immediately he ended up leading a gang of two other people, whom are yet to be identified. Several times the president tried to steal the flag from the police station.
The several attempts led to thousands of Gulchmarks in destroyed property. The President's two associates winded up dead in an attempted double-cross and a couple cops suffered near fatal injuries.
The President was successful in his third, and final, attempt. Upon getting the flag to a hideout on the Island, he borded a helicopter and flew back to the capital. Let us hope his next visit is more productive, and less violent.
Political Candidates Delay Debate
Two debates were scheduled for last Sunday. They were for the position of Police Chief and the position of Civilian Representative on the city council. Both of these positions are up for election in a few weeks and it is still anyone's race, as the polling is close.
However, things may turn for members of the Bumfighting Party after a recent scandal. ThePerfectVirus (Incumbant Police Chief) and Pig Commander (Running for Civy Rep) both didn't show up to the debate on Sunday. The stadium in New Jackson was full of murmurs for over ten minutes after the time the debte was supposed to start when it was announced that the candidates weren't going to show up. Spectators were expecting still some sort of debate between Police Cheif Candiate Avery and one of the other Candidates, Charmless Kaa. Unfortunately it was found soon that Kaa too would be absent.
The organizers tried to fall back and turn the event into a town hall, unfortunately Candidate Avery refused, statiting:
"I don't want to do a damn town hall. I wanted to debate on the issues."
The debates have been rescheduled for this coming Friday, and again Candidate Virus will be absent. Instead he has given his runningmate, Pig Commander, his notes and his blessing to run for him. Charmless Kaa hasn't been reached for comment, but Candidate Avery has expressed his dissapointment at being unable to debate his other opponent. Here's hoping the debates go well.
Shocking Immigrant Statistics
The P-Murt Institute of Immigration Sciences has released some shocking statistics lately regarding immigrants to Gulchtopia. In a study spanning several years they have found that a shocking 4 in 6 Immigrants engage in the bloody sport of Bumfighting* while awaiting their citizenship and a staggering 5 in 6 engage in some sort of violent crime**.
When asked about their party's views in light of these shocking statistics, the Party Leaders had this to say:
Avery (Leader of Liquor Party)
"Ah, you know, my stance on it is, youknow. Uh. Number one, i don't have a problem with people coming into Gulch. But people need to abide by Gulch's rules. And they need to be citizens, which isn't difficult, but we need to make it easier for them to join. And if they don't become citizens after two weeks I say we just deport them. Because they're, being fucking dicks."
ThePerfectVirus (Leader of Bumfighting Party)
-The Gulchtopia Weekly Forgot to Interview him-
It is still tough to say how these statistics will impact the coming elections or if they will impact any policies passed by the Town Council. The Gulchtopia Weekly asks our readers to comment below their thoughts on these shocking statistics.
*These statistics inculde immigrants that are soon afterwards deported
**Violent crimes in this study were defined as any witnessed crime involving any form of physical violence. Ranging from Assault to Murder.
NILLOC Industries Weighs in on Talk of Elite Policy Change
In a shocking turn of events, NILLOC Industries has released a statement on recent talk of Elites being allowed back into New Jackson. The statement is as follows:
We at NILLOC Industries remember the horrible violence that occurred when Elites were in our fair nation. Our nation had lasting era of relative peace after the genocides and banning of immigration. If the government decides to allow Elites back into the city we'll have to remove some of our products from our catalog and recall all models. These items include:
- Turretless (aka Civilian) vehicles
- Advanced Armor Abilities
- Fire Starting Equipment
- Other Products
It is unfortunate that we would have to do this but we simply can't allow elites to aquire some of these products and as for the Turreted Vehicles, we at NILLOC industries believe that every human has the right to defend themselves from elites and that should even be possible in their vehicles. That is the same reason we would have to revoke our deal with the city to not provide Immigrants with Plasma Pistols.
We understand that many could see this leading to much bloodshed. We believe the best policy is simply to not allow elites into the country.
Acting CEO of NILLOC Industries
The various people running for positions in the Gulch haven't been reached for comment and the Mayor is declining to speak on the matter of the business run by his clone army. It is believed that this issue will come up in the coming debates.
That's it from us at the Gulchtopia Weekly. Stay safe this week or our next issue could be on you!