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 Gulchtopia Gazette 2/1/2017

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Gulchtopia Gazette

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Join date : 2017-01-10

PostSubject: Gulchtopia Gazette 2/1/2017   Thu Feb 02, 2017 1:08 am

Church of Rocky Casts Out Murderous Priest


This past week a Priest going by the name KSI Primordial rose to renown in this Church of Rocky for his work with people immigrating to our town. The reputation was soon besmirched when the fanatic was found to be murdering excessively. His last victim was thankfully able to survive the ordeal. That person is Police Chief, Jack Iceland. 


While off duty, the officer abstained from participating in the sacrifice of a non-believer and fled to the mayor's House with local eccentric, TacoOrBeef. The church authorities were in pursuit after hearing Iceland had called their ceremony "crazy". After a tense standoff, Iceland agreed to go and pray for Rocky's forgiveness so long as Taco came with him to make sure he returned. 


The Mayor followed the group without their knowing. When we asked him why he said:

"I don't know, something about the look in that  KSI dude's visor just didn't sit well with me." 


After Iceland sat in front of the statue, KSI Primordial tried to murder him by stabbing him multiple times. Thankfully the Mayor and Taco were able to incapacitate him in time and Prof Roach was able to use his training to save Iceland from bleeding out. 




-Priest attempts to kill Off Duty Police Chief




-Local Eccentric Runs in Guns-Blazing


Charges have since been dropped and KSI dismissed from the Church. It is as of yet unknown what he will do now. Citizens however are advised to avoid all individuals with a history of random acts of violence, but if that advice was taken, our Mayor and many other government officials would be inaccessible. 


The Bubbles Addiction is Spreading, says Experts. 

In a Recent Study out of the New Jackson Institute of Medicine, researchers have found that 1 in 5 people polled in our Nation have admitted to trying Bubbles in the last year and that 1 in 8 say they have it at least once a week.

What does that mean for the average citizen? The report says we could see a 15-17% rise in healthcare costs for the nation's taxpayers and it could lead to rising policing costs as police try to cope with the rising criminal underworld. We had a few moments to speak with the Mayor about his thoughts on the matter, and this is what he had to say:

"Well fuck, I mean... if people want to see bubbles and shit why not let them? Imagine how much money the government could make if we made that shit? It's not like too many people have died from it after all."




The Gulchtopia Police Department Needs YOU!


Do you love your city?
Do you love justice?
Do you have the balls to do what needs to be done?


If you've said yes to these things, the Gulchtopia Police Department wants you to sign up! Pay starts at 100 Gulchmarks with potential for raises and bonuses. Protect your city and get paid for the pleasure, just message Jack Iceland to find out more.





City Council Meeting this Saturday

This weekend the first City Council meeting since our town's move will take place. There the members of the council will meet to discuss several issues. 

The issues being discussed will be:



  • Potential new business grants
  • Bubbles Epidemic 
  • Immigration
  • Police Department Budget 



If you feel that there's something else that should be discussed, talk to your representative:



  • Mayor: NILLOC 916
  • Police Chief: Jack Iceland
  • Business Owner Rep: Da Bootyman
  • Civilian Rep: Gyrusa
  • Religious Rep: Prof Roachclip
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