You either die a homeless bum or live long enough to see yourself become a rich dick that kills homeless bums.
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 Gulchtopia Gazette 2/23/2017

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Gulchtopia Gazette

Gulchtopia Gazette

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PostSubject: Gulchtopia Gazette 2/23/2017   Gulchtopia Gazette 2/23/2017 I_icon_minitimeThu Feb 23, 2017 4:50 pm

Gazette Offices Raided

This past weekend the Gazette Offices were assaulted by a gang of thugs. The unidentified criminals blew a hole in one of the city's pipes to sneak into our filebunker and steal important documents related to an expose that was going to be in today's issue. In the process the thugs were wounded and two security guards died valiantly defending the truth! 

Gulchtopia Gazette 2/23/2017 Q2VCQAd
Our security cameras caught the gunfight.

The thugs were later found dead in a Bubs-House in the Ghetto. The person who hired them is presumed to be the one who killed these criminals, as the files were missing.
We know who set this up, but due to laws against unsubstantiated reporting, we are not allowed to publish without evidence. We are offering a bounty of 1,000 Gulchmarks for information proving the involvement of this scumbag. 

Wronged Civilian Sues Police Department

This last week a citizen by the name of AJTO was arrested by two officers with a priest escort. He was not told why he was being arrested and came to find out it was because the Priest told the officers he had a "funny feeling". Actually, the exact words of the priest were as follows:

"When I thought of him my whole body tingled and it wasn't any of that gay shit. Cause Rocky wouldn't do that to me"
- Professor Roach

Upon hearing of this the civilian sued the Police Department for damages. The court case was shocking. Allegations of pedephelia were thrown around and several times weapons were discharged. The final verdict from the court was that the Police Department was guilty and they were forced to pay AJ the sum of 150 Gulchmarks out of the cops and the Priests's sallary. 

We are not alone... and no, not talking about elites

While driving out to the Rocky Statue, the Mayor and Professor Roach saw an object in the sky. The thing was metallic and glowed orangish-red. After noticing it get closer, the two drove to the city to try and warn the people there. Unfortunately, they were late. The craft started firing some kind of energy beam onto the populace. The Mayor and Roach engaged the UFO with the gun on the back of the Mayor's car and were eventually able to bring it down outside of the city. 

Upon investigating the wreckage, the two found a strangely edgy being. The being spoke in a language that didn't seem to be of this world, or any other world we know. It was taken and put into a jail cell in the Police Department. Once it noticed that it shared the cell with a dead elite it proceeded the assault the body. Then it began to try and write on the window of the cell. 

An unfortunately optimistic officer tried to open the door and talk with the alien but it assaulted him. The assault ended with the Mayor killing the alien. New Jackson Officials later came in and took the body and ship wreckage back to some unknown government lab. For now the ordeal is over, but we don't know if there'll be more. 

Mayor Leads Police on Deadly Manhunt

What was a normal Sunday for an unknown turned into one of the most dangerous days of his life when he walked into the resturant and heard what sounded like the Mayor offering to sell someone Bubbles.

Gulchtopia Gazette 2/23/2017 OnoZU9S
A photo taken of the officer finding the Mayor in the restaurant

 He went to get backup before confronting the Mayor and when the Mayor heard them pull up he stole their squad car and drove off iwth it before abandoning it. He then went on to attempt to fake his death by pushing his car off a cliff and tossing grenades after it. He then broke into a citizen's house to hide out and the manhunt began.

The police drove all over the outskirts trying to find him and only found out his location after an anonymous tipster said they saw him break into AJ's house. After this, all that's known is that someone stole AJ's mantis and opened fire on the police as well as several civilians in the town. After a short gunfight many were dead and the Mayor walked into the police station to turn himself in for stealing the police car.

At his trial it was unable to be proven that the Mayor was piloting the mantis and it was also unproven that he was in possession or trying to sell Bubbles. So he was only charged with vehicle theft. After paying a fine he was let free.
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