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 Gulchtopia Gazette 3/13/2017

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Gulchtopia Gazette

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PostSubject: Gulchtopia Gazette 3/13/2017   Mon Mar 13, 2017 4:22 am

Clashes with Immigrants Kill Dozens

This last weekend saw a small influx of immigrants that government forces were strained to handle. At about 3:40 PM, a boat of immigrants landed at the port of our little island and unloaded an unknown number of undocumented immigrants seeking citizenship. 

Shortly after their landing it was apparent to the Government that several of these people were not immigrants looking for a better life but criminals seeking to steal our shit. After several cars were stolen and some citizens assaulted, the Mayor announced that the offending immigrants were to be killed on sight. And so the murders began...

Police and civilian alike boarded vehicles and spread across the island to find immigrants to murder. After less than 30 minutes, the criminals were killed and peace returned to the Gulch. We asked the local Priest, Professor Roach, what he had to say on the matter and he responded:

"Rocky accepts all people of his magnificent creation (elites are not people), but it seems his benevolence does not always reach us. Tension is high as we move into our new home, and the people are uneasy. These new comers did not understand our ways, and the chaos that ensued was surely a result. I speek only for the church, as i can not know the motives of my fellow gulchtopians; but i fear for our future relations with the foreigners, and our neighbors in which refer to themselves as clans. I hear by solemnly pledge to personally see to it that our new found ally, and head of foreign affairs "thresher", is safe from any future discrimination that may occur due to his "alien" roots. I would also like to remind us all that: at one point, we too were immigrants; and without gulch, we would be and have, nothing."

Tragic Miscommunication ends in Bloodshed

During a meeting with local business owner AJTO, the Mayor heard somebody outside the home who he assumed to be a burger. Only after opening fire on the person did he realize it was a police officer. Instead of turning himself in, our Mayor went on the lamb. He fled, leading the police on a chase before hiding out in the Bar. Eventually he returned to AJ's house and when the police closed in, took the man hostage with the assistance of Professor Roach. 

What ensued was a gunfight that left the Mayor, several police officers and Roach wounded. AJ was locked in a room in his house and was unharmed. 


Gulchtopia Grand Prix Announced

NILLOC Industries PR Rep John Stevens has announced at a press conference today that there'll be a race organized around the rim of the island. In what has been dubbed "The Gulchtopia Grand Prix" contestants whom pay a 50 Gulchmark entry fee will be leased Mongeese to race around the Gulch in a special event scheduled for next weekend. The winner will receive a 500 Gulchmark grand prize as well as a shiny trophy. 

Local Business Owner Evades Arrest

This last weekend local business owner AJTO, presumably under the influence of some illicit substance, attempted to steal several people's cars. It is believed that he was high on something and thought the vehicles were his own taxi that was being stolen by the people driving the cars. 

The police tried multiple times to arrest the man but even after being shot several times he kept running and assaulting anyone in his way. "I ain't ever seen any shit like that" said one bystander who claimed AJ was shot a whole 7 times before police were finally able to bring him to jail. We later reached AJ for comment and he responded "Th... that's bullshit! That was my y-y-yellow car. The cops are fukin morons." 


Picture of AJ in Custody

The official statement from Police Chief Virus was as follows: 


"AJ did in fact have multiple charges of vehicle theft, as we observed his action closely, we confirmed he was NOT on drugs at the time. We believe it was out of sheer will, we also believe he is part of a rising threat that needs to be looked further into. We have a few leads, but this information is not for the public at the moment for safety reasons."


Returning Police Chief Increases Cop Training

In response to complaints by some citizens, returning Police Chief ThePerfectVirus has instituted a program to train Police Officers to better do their job.

In the training program cops are taught to better handle the following situations:


  • Shootouts

  • Riots

  • Hostage Situations

  • Car Chases

  • Drunken bums

  • Terrorist attacks

  • Drunken Mayors

  • Shady businessmen

  • murder investigations



The first training regimen has been reportedly a success. Pictures of it are below.



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